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THE HAPPENING
(2008)
DIRECTOR:
M. Night Shyamalan.
STARRING:
Mark Whalberg, Zooey Deschanel, John Leguizamo.
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I remember when I first saw The Sixth Sense, it scared the shit out of me. I was sitting in my seat with a firm grip on the arm chair, profusely sweating & breathing
heavily. It was kinda like my average Sunday afternoon hangover scenario, except I was watching a classy, well produced film, unlike my usual choice of hangover
entertainment which is always the most ridiculous B-grade film I can find in my collection. M. Night Shyamalan (I will be referring to Mr. Shayamalan as M from now on)
was an overnight sensation with his directing and
writing debut, The Sixth Sense. People were amazed that they had just sat through this two hour film with not a fucking clue that Bruce Willis was actually dead.
Yes, that's right, he was a ghost (don't bitch if I just spoiled that for you, if you haven't seen it yet YOU LIVE IN A CAVE) and the only reason the boy could
talk to him was because he could see dead people. I wont get too far into the technicality that when he sees dead people he breathes a little bit of steam and
I never saw him do that once with Bruce Willis other than when he tells him in the hospital. It was too good to hang onto that detail.
So yes, The Sixth Sense was
a fantastic film. Unfortunately not all of M's films have been great. For instance, every other film he has made. Now I'm not jumping on a M is a piece of shit
director and writer bandwagon, I'm just saying most of his other films really did not live up to The Sixth Sense. They were all a little off key in some way,
almost there, but just not quite. The storylines became more and more ridiculous and the dialogue between actors become more and more wooden/bizarre. Don't get me
started on Mel Gibson in Signs. I will be reviewing it one day and I totally intend the tear the fuck out of it.
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So, is The Happening going to be M's redemption? Absolutely not. Is it as bad as the other reviews I've read? No. Let me start with what is actually wrong with
The Happening.
M. Night Shyamalan no longer deals in twists and suspense, his films are all about irony. For instance, this film is titled The Happening, but at no point
does it ever really feel like anything is really "happening". It's just a series of scenes filled with monotone & medicore dialogue. Oh wait! No, no I'm quite
incorrent - some people DO fall off of some buildings AND Earth reclaims it's place as our master (we being it's bitches) and it tries to destroy us. Wait again,
what the fuck? People fall off buildings in real life and the Earth IS trying to destroy us (global warming for you slow people). Why is this interesting? Oh shit,
it's NOT! Well done, M, another successful film; if successful is defined by "being worse than your only good film". |
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^^ Another bad day on Wall Street.
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Our opening scene has Earths scumbag inhabitants, humans, going about their day to day life. But what's this, suddenly people freeze, start looping the same
sentence or grow a glassy stare and then suddenly want to die, eg. a woman stabs herself in the neck with one of the most sharpest, weapon-like hair pins I've ever
seen in my life & construction workers start walking off of the top of a building they're working on. This opening scene is quite promising and delivers a genuine chill.
Why the fuck shouldn't it be creepy when people start offing themselves by the masses!?
Now that the movie is satisfied in establishing that we now realise for some bizarre reason everyone is killing themselves, it immediately takes us to one of the
most bizarre things I've ever seen in a film. Mark Wahlberg teaching a science class. What the fuck!? How much more mis-cast could THAT be!? Anyway, Marky Mark, okay
to be fair his character's name is Elliot Moore, is a science teacher who is having issues at home with his wife, Alma (the always creepy Zooey Deschanel). Elliot
teaches at a school with his math teacher friend, Julian (John Leguizamo) and at the end of the school day they come to realise that the whole world is slowly realising
about people killing themselves in the masses. Naturally it is assumed that the government knows everything about it, which they don't. They choose to speculate
and try to guess what the fuck is up, telling the world that it's "probably this" and "probably that". But they're WRONG... Probably because they're not fucking
stupid enough to ever BELIEVE what is actually happening.
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Anyway, Elliot, Alma, Julian & his daughter, Jess (Ashlyn Sanchez) are not taking their chances in the city (because apparently "the happening" is happening "only"
in major cities with larger populations) so they jump on a train to get to a more rural area. Along with this plan Julian has high hopes of meeting up with his
wife who was out of town buying a present for Jess.
As it so happens the train is evacuated at a stop out in the middle of nowhere and while all the passengers are waiting in a tavern because everything is in lockdown
they all start watching a video on their brand spanking new Apple i-phones. Why can't I escape fucking i-products!? Even in a boring ass film like this, the fucking
i-product must mock me! The video I was referring to was a man forcing some lions to eat him. This man is obviously very clever and obviously has alot of time on his
hands to wait for the lions to slowly devour him. I'm assuming he DID die because all I saw was the lions tearing his arms off. Maybe he died after an hour of blood
loss, meh, I actually don't care. It was a stupid part of the story and did nothing whatsoever to assist it's plausability.
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DUDE! I've never seen a man being eaten by a lion on ^^
a screen as clear as your brand new APPLE iPhone's!
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It is then announced that there is some type of toxin in the air and people need to get as far out rural as possible. We are then shown a typical display of human
behaviour, that being GET-THE-FUCK-OUT-OF-MY-WAY-ness. People stampede and get the fuck out of there. Elliot and co. are left searching for a ride still and a nice
man stops to help them. Julian has other plans and is getting a ride back into an already known infected town to try and find his wife. I'm not sure if he has been
watching the constant news exposure of this "happening" this whole time but one would assume his wife is DEAD because she's in an infected town. Yes, THAT infection!
The one that makes people kill themselves! Remember that, Julian? *slap* It doesn't matter anyway, he dies shortly after that. Can someone please put John Leguiziamo
in a film where he doesn't die in it and doesn't play a total ass, PLEASE!?
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Marky Mark and his mates get out to a rural place and basically spend the rest of their time floating around. But there IS one more revelation to go. They find out what's
causing the strange behaviour. IT'S THE TREES! Well the environment in general. Trees don't have any real defense, so they have apparently developed a "neuro-toxin" that
is spread about the planet via wind. Why are the trees trying to hurt us? Because they're teaching us a lesson about how much we're fucking up the planet. Well, since
they're interested, I should say - "HEY TREES! HUMANS ARE IGNORANT ASSHOLES! DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT!? WE'RE NOT GOING TO LEARN A THING!". hehe
Anyway, more people die, Elliot & Alma find an old crazy lady's house to stay over night at and then the trees stop trying to hurt us just in time for Elliot & Alma
to realise they still love each other.
Some time later we see Elliot & Alma have decided to adopt Jess & it's her first day back at school. Alma sees her off & discovers, after a test, that she is pregnant.
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^^ AAAIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! IT'S TERRIFYING!
... oh wait, no it's not.
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Sucks to be you guys.
At this point it skips to Europe where we see the opening scene in the film re-enacted between two different more European characters.
Fin.
Stupid? Yes. Boring? Yes. Pointless? Yes. At sometimes atmospheric? Yes. Worth watching? No.
I'm done with discussing this completely uninspiring film. It evokes neither love nor hate from me and therefore - I have nothing else to say. M, good luck with getting
funding for your next bizarre film. Right now I'm thinking Uwe Boll has a better chance. Ouch.
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Bleeding to death from commiting suicide by having my arms torn off by lions I give this movie: |
1 OUT OF 5 JAGER-BABIES. |
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