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MOVIE REVIEW:
TEETH
(2007)
DIRECTOR:
Mitchell Lichtenstein
STARRING:
Jess Weixler, Hale Appleman, Ashley Springer, John Hensley.
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The horror aficianados among us know what Teeth is about. Shit, the independent film followers know what Teeth is about. It's success at the Sundance Film Festival was enough to ensure it garnered enough attention from genre and indie film fans alike. But for those of you that don't know what Teeth is about, I'll put it bluntly - it's about a girl named, Dawn O'Keefe, who has a set of razor sharp teeth in her cunt, not unlike the spider lady vagina from the classic Anime film, Wicked City. Before we all whip out our smug "that sounds just like my ex" jokes, let's explore the social elements this film brings to the plate. I say this because although skin dip Teeth appears to be a black comedy, it's also rife with social commentary on just how fucking messed up shit is these days.
Borrowing it's morals from Larry Cohen's first notable project "It's Alive" (the original, not the fuck ass remake), director, Mitchell Lichtenstein, has gently primed the story he wrote with subtle hints at pollution and it's affect on our environment. Often seen in the backgrounds of the local town setting of the film are nuclear power
plant cooling towers. This can only be what is a nod to the effects of nuclear radiation on our Earth, including such outcomes as human mutations, eg. teeth lining the entrance to a woman's vagina. This is never painfully shoved in our faces like a fucking Iehova's Witness selling bibles on a Sunday morning when you're all too hungover to even put up with the neighbour's lawnmower little lone a fucking preaching nutbag. It's just subtle visual hints.
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Second to that we have social commentary on rejection, the dark place it plays in teen social standing and just how easily it can come from yourself, not others.
Dawn (Jess Weixler) has spent her life being chaste, which we obviously know the truth behind, BECAUSE HER CUNT HAS TEETH! Dawn holds herself back and puts herself down before she could even give anyone else a chance to judge her.
It's definitely another subtle hint at other teen disorders, which particularly occurs with the female gender, like anorexia and such. She hides it from her friends, she hides it from her family and not
only has it got her in a position of exclusion amongst "normal" activities but she can't even masturbate in fear of losing her finger. It's a bubbling pot of pressure.
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^^ See? Subtle... :) |
Speaking of pressure, our third serious note to make is the film's commentary on the pressures for teen's to become sexually active. Sure, nobody is pointing a gun at
someone else saying "SEX! NOW!" like the Vietnamese captors to Bobby DeNiro in The Deer Hunter but the heat is still on. The hormones are telling you to do things your
mind is still sussing out and the complexities of adding a deformity to that mixture are all to mind boggling. Fear, uncertainty, lust and wanting. More obviously the
film depicts the sexual pressure that males put on females in the teen years.
Anyway, enough exploring all that serious shit.
Teeth is about Dawn, who we are introduced to at a young age, sitting in a pool with her eventual bro-in-law, Brad (John Hensley). Her mother, Kim (Vivienne Benesch), sits in the background flirting with her
husband to be, Bill (Lenny Van Dohlen). With their backs turned to their parents, Brad shows Dawn his penis and asks her to show him her bits now. At this point we witness the first victim
of Dawn's bitey burger, the tip of Brad's index finger.
Flash forward by over a decade. Brad has become an angry metal head (nice work, mate), pushed to the darker side of life by the bizarre vagina biting event. He is even a little confused by
what happened. Did her MOUTH bite my finger? I don't quite remember... well, it certainly wasn't her vagina! ho ho. How wrong you are, Brad. Dawn has blossomed into a beautiful teenage girl. She is a spokesperson for an teen abstinance group called "The Promise" where they do all
that usual shit like wear a purity ring to remind them to stay in denial and refuse to pay attention to their hormones that continue to THROB AND SCREAM WITHIN THEIR LOINS, BEGGING THEM
TO RUB AGAINST THE NEAREST SOLID OBJECT AT ONCE! As far as anyone else knows, including friends she has made through "The Promise", Dawn has made this decision to stay abstinant because
she wants the first time to be special and all that business. But we know Dawn's secret. She is simply too afraid of what will happen, knowing full well she is not normal, but not knowing
enough about what "normal" is. She has a small group of friends within this group, consisting of Gwen (Julia Garro) & Phil (Adam Wagner), a "delightful" (sips on some tea) couple and Tobey (Hale Appleman -
what kind of a fucking name is that!?), a young man she has an interest in, with the favour being returned by Tobey.
Tobey and Dawn acknowledge their fantasies for each other, their lustful longing to touch each other, their hidden fruitful desires... Tobey lifts Dawn up with his muscular arms, holding her against
the wall... her hands trembling with anticipation as she unbuckles his belt, unzips his fly and pulls out his solid, hard, purple headed, love warrior. She grips it tensely and begin leading it into
her smoldering, moist, love cave- oh... um...
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It seems I've gotten a little carried away. Ahem... Moving on...
Tobey and Dawn continue to deny their feelings until one day they meet for a swim. They head up to a cave behind a nearby waterfall for some "making out" and one thing leads to another. Before you know it Tobey is forcing intercourse upon Dawn. I guess "The Promise" was simply a shtick for him to pick up virgins?
At this point Dawn loses control of her emotions and she tags her vagina, which steps into the ring brutalise the fuck out of Tobey. In one foul chomp Dawn bites Tobey's Jewish dick right off. Need Tobey's face be explained when this happened? He is left stumbling about and falls into the lake they were swimming in. Dawn gets the fuck out of Dodge, Dodge being anywhere the boy called Tobey missing a penis is. There she leaves Tobey, dickless, very Jewish and drowning in the lake.
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Tobey = dickless, Jewish and ABOUT TO drown in the lake. ^^
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Dawn begins to fear her condition. She now knows she is definitely not normal. She has to find out what exactly is wrong with her, how she is different and she must do all of this with the mounting pressures of teenage boys and their hormones, with another boy, Ryan (Ashley Springer), already interested in her, when she's only just fresh from her first meal of teenage penis.
Dawn finds out about a Mythical condition called VAGINA DENTATA. This Myth is actually real and if you follow the link
you can find about other disturbing gaenacological treats such as the "Rape Axe". The Myth, tradtionally a cautionary tale to teach young men that rape is bad (because us bestial men need
to be taught that?), has it that some women have toothed vaginas - VAGINA DENTATAAAAAAA! Sounds like a vagina cleansing cream if you ask me, but meh.
With the confirmation that her private parts can now be put into the same category as Mythological creatures, she hastily heads off to the gaenocologist to get a modern scientific diagnosis.
Naturally, with people in this day and age being pieces of shit, the gaenocologist (after realising how clueless she is) starts to molest her and loses a large portion of his hand due to Dawn's vaginal teeth. The doctor drops to the ground, clutching his hand and screaming "VAGINA DENTATA!" Absolutely hilarious. Actually, any time a guy falls victim to Dawn's pussy, it's laugh out loud hilarious, of course the cringe comes first, but a laugh will always follow.
Around this time we learn the police are now investigating Tobey's DEATH and Dawn's ill mother, Kim, has been taken to hospital. She collapsed right in front of Brad and he cared so much he
thought the best he could do was fuck his girlfriend from behind right in front of her to try and bring her to. Nice fellow, I guess this is what early childhood vagina attacks do to you.
All this is too much for Dawn so she heads off to Ryan, who has become a real shoulder for her to lean on. He softens her up a little and manages to work his way into fucking Dawn without losing
his penis. She feels at ease thinking he is truly a noble guy and at last we have some light at the end of the toothed tunnel. But not for long. They go at it again and half way through sex
a friend calls Ryan and this is where Dawn discovers he only fucked her due to a bet. In anger Dawn uses her dentata to lop his dick off, leaving him screaming like a little girl, or a boy who
just had his penis eaten off by a toothed vagina.
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Shortly after this we find out Dawn's mother has died and that Brad could've done something to help prevent her death. Dawn wants revenge and decides to help fulfill Brad's sick fantasy of fucking
her. She gets all dolled up, approaches Brad and they begin intercourse. But before he can even begin to enjoy it Dawn removes his penis with her now well practiced method of vagina biting and
then feeds Brad's penis to his viscious dog. The dog gobbles up Brad's dick and spits out the piercing.
Dawn, with nothing left and probably a little confused, decides to leave everything behind her. She jumps on her bike and cycles, but before she gets too far a tire is punctured. She hitchhikes
and as fate would have it the first person to stop is a dirty old man who locks her into his car and makes sexually suggestive remarks. Dawn simply smiles at him seductively, knowing full well
she is now an angel of vengeance, ready to remove the dirty penis of any pervert who is willing to deprive a female of her rights.
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^^ BRAD'S DAD: BRAD, DON'T FORGET TO FEED THE DOG!
BRAD: (screaming in pain) I'M RUNNING OUT OF BALLS HERE!? |
It's a shame that this film only made just over it's budget. It's such an amazing movie that should be seen by all. Unfortunately, the masses are so blind and closed minded that if there is a violence
in a film then it is simply "too vulgar" or the violence is unjustified when they couldn't be more wrong. If more movies like this were bigger in Hollywood and the box office then maybe Hollywood
releases would have something a little more interesting to offer other than Pirates of the Carribean part 9 - Johnny Depp's A Billionaire and SAW XII.
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This is obviously Lichtenstein's pet project all the way from directing and producing to writing. I could safely say it's his vision in it's fullest and dilution would be minimal, which is often
the best part of an Indie film proudction, for it's creator. Filmed only a budget of only 2 million yet presented as such a refined and polished visual feast, Lichtenstein has done a great fucking
job. Oddly enough his background in writing, producing and directing is very limited and his next feature film, Happy Tears, will be only his THIRD project in these fields. His most extensive
history in film and TV combined is acting, with bit parts and cameos here and there but nothing of substantial quality.
I would love to bring up some negative points about this movie, but I honestly cannot. Enough said on that really.
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^^ OLD MAN: Sex? | DAWN: Well... I AM a LITTLE hungry! |
Teeth is hilarious, I'll say that. Not chuckle hilarious and not "Meet The Spartans" hilarious (you know, not funny at all but marketed to be)... it's laugh out fucking loud gold. But there's alot more to it
than that which brings Teeth to the surface as a bonafide classic.
This film can not only educate, but reflect on our times and tickle your funny bone all at the same time. It has lessons in embracing your flaws and using them to your advantage, accepting yourself for who you are and making the best out of that. It shows us how judgemental we can be on ourselves. It can even enlighten the ignorant to teenage pressures. It successfully depicts the realities of the world, while the spotlight stays on the fantasy, never allowing the film to become too realistic or dull.
Whether you like horror or not, you would be a fool to pass up Teeth, which can offer something to everyone. It's films like this that remind me why I love movies so much in the first place.
While looking up pictures of a rape axe and crying, I give this movie:
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4.5 OUT OF 5 JAGER-BABIES. |
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