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LOOK WHO'S TALKING
(1993)
DIRECTOR:
Amy Heckerling.
STARRING:
John Travolta, Kirsty Alley, George Segal, Bruce Willis's voice & John Travolta's bum chin.
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| **NOTE ON DVD COVER- "TWO THUMBS UP" - SISKEL & EBERT. What the FUCK!? Two thumbs up? Suck my DICK Siskel & Ebert, even if you DO get paid
lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of money to review movies. I CLEARLY know BETTER! hehe
There's THREE good things about Look Who's Talking:
1. The FX at the start of the movie where it shows the sperm racing to get to the egg for baby making,
2. Elliot Gould playing the dirty rich bastard who has the sex with Kirstie Alley to make previously mentioned baby. The
only time I genuinely laughed was when he was on screen. I particularly love where Kirstie Alley discovers he's sleeping
around on her and he can only reply with, "I'm going through a selfish stage". Eh, I do it no justice,
3. At least Kirstie Alley has something she can watch instead of eating ice cream whenever she feels down about the body and
career she lost equal control of. It's okay Kirstie, in this movie, which was filmed 20 years ago, you were SMOKIN'!
Look Who's Talking is an incredibly inspired (sarcasm) movie about an incredibly insecure woman, Mollie (Kirstie Alley), full of no self worth who has
sex with Albert (George Segal), who is in fact her client (she's an accountant) AND is also married. This leads Mollie to a pregnancy test, getting
a postive result and then having to tell Albert. Naturally, Albert is happy about it and he assures Mollie he will be leaving his wife
and then they'll raise the baby together.
This leads to the first montage (of many, many montages) in the movie of Mollie going through the motions of being pregnant. Naturally,
all the music is classicly tragic shit you'd only play over a montage in the 80s/90s. We're exposed to many silly screwed up nose
looking faces pulled by Kirsty Allie and lots of "oh geez! Pregnancy is REALLY tough!" mishaps. I personally found the montage
came too soon, was extremely annoying and NEARLY killed my love for montages! Unfortunately I had no idea I would have little time to
breathe before the next montage began to rear it's ugly head.
The first montage ends and we're treated to a scene with Mollie hanging out with her woefully ugly friend, Rona (played by the atrociously
ugly Twink Caplan, you may remember her from Clueless, playing the teacher Alicia Silverstone and co. set up with another teacher) at a
clothes store. Mollie is very excited as she's reaching the final stages of her pregnancy and soon she'll be happily raising her baby with
Albert. But what's this!? In the clothing store change room is Blah... with ANOTHER woman! It turns out Blah wasn't happy just cheating on
his wife, but now he has a need to cheat on his mistress too! The guy is a serious piece of shit and (if it wasn't for George Segal playing the
character, it would be even easier to hate him) Mollie calls him up on it. He uses the classic line, "I'm going through a selfish stage right
now" and admits he's going to be marrying this new woman because he's fallen in love (my guess he has no idea what love is) with her. This
leaves Mollie upset and then Mollie's water breaks.
She hails a taxi and the one James (John Travolta) is driving pulls up. Guess what!? James is an extremely fucking nice guy and tries
to help her with her breathing all while driving at excessively dangerous speeds to get there on time! Naturally all Mollie can do is scream
at him and put him down.
**CUE ZANY SCENE WITH LOTS OF NOISES, MISHAPS, MUSIC FROM HOME ALONE AND RIOTOUS HUMOUR!**
Woah, what's happening!? Cars are flying, people are screaming, there's near car accidents everywhere! ZAAAANNNNNYYYYYY! Wow, slow down! I haven't
even had time to think how STUPID all this crazy crap is! Anyway, James stays with Mollie all the way through until she gives birth to her son,
Mikey (Bruce Willis's voice). I tell you, James is a fucking nice guy, but all Mollie seems interested in doing is telling him to fuck off
(in so many words) and dismissing him in every way. What a cunt.
I'm not really sure why, bust for some reason James obviously enjoys this rude woman beating down him on him so James continues to visit Mollie.
Initially it was because Mollie left her bag in his taxi and then they work out a deal that if James babysits Mikey (while Mollie finds a new dad for
him, wtf?) he can use Mollie's address to receive mail in some scam he's pulling for his grandfather. Hey were you guys as SURPRISED as me that
through all the negativity Mollie & James had for each other, they actually become closer and fall
in love? Yeah you weren't surprised, neither was I, that was just sarcasm. I could never be surprised by this movie, because I don't shit
brains and have a head full of poo. At one point I literally guessed what the next montage song would be, knowing that even after
THREE montages there would STILL be another one, because montages are a predictable & bad fucking effort at story telling, which matches
this predictable and bad story! At least that's consistent, it's all shit, not just bits and pieces.
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Cue several other montages of Mollie's baby, Mikey, growing up and James baby sitting him and everything is getting happier. Then suddenly
Albert rocks back up on the scene. Ut-oh, he wants to see Mikey. After a scene of James kicking Albert out of the apartment when he tried to
see Mikey (James is angry as he's the one who has raised him all this time) Mollie takes Mikey back to Albert, for the sake of him seeing his son.
The woman is still so fucking eager for Albert's love & approval she dresses Mikey up in a way that Bruce Willis's voice admits he HATES and then
further states that James is his dad, not Albert, he just wants James! One would think a child who looks as though he is 7 years old would simply be
able to SAY this out aloud, but no, apparently he's only 2 years old and can't talk (although I'm pretty sure 2 is still old enough to say SOME basic shit,
yeah?). Anyway, things go wrong when Albert meets Mikey and Mollie turns her mind around, becomes angry with Albert and walks out on him for good.
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^^ The compulsary Travolta dance scene.
WE GET IT! YOU CAN DANCE!. |
Later on some crazy shit with James's grandfather at his nursing home goes down, so Mollie has to drive out there to fix the problem as James is
not contactable. Mollie leaves Mikey (Mikey is left alone with the wrong people several times in this movie. Obviously Look Who's Talking was a
modern day guide to parenting for parents of the new millenium with Mollie constantly reminding me of the modern day dimwit ignorant mother I see so
often in shopping centres) with crazy old grandpa in his room while she sorts out the issue in the head office. Guess what? MIKEY GET'S LOST!!
UT-OHHHHHHH! This sets the pace for more crazy antics, slipping on banana peel slapstick, ridiculous mishaps and more general monotonous bullshit.
But rest assured, in the end Mikey is safe, James & Mollie hook up and everyone is happy, peace at last. But what's THIS!? We're treated to
another scene of sperm entering the egg! UT-OHHH - NOT AGAIIIIIIIIN! Setting it up just nicely for a sequel, which was just as stupid, but
not as bad as the one with the dogs... Look Who's Talking NOW! Is it the dogs? Oh... it is...
To give the movie some credit...
...
... it was filmed in the 80s and the 80s are cool!
John Travolta brings some playful puppy like charm to the movie and Kirstie Alley can look pretty smokin sometimes, except when she pulls that
scrag face every now and then, still it beats those photos of her slamming a huge fucking burger into her mouth. But overall it's a terrible
movie and could only have experienced success in the 80s, as I always put it, the 80s & 90s were a time of mainstream cinematic innocence.
Watching this movie in this day and age leads you to believe it's a kids movie, seriously, you forget this movie was intended for a mature audience and
not even as a family movie necessarily, just a comedy. It's not just content with being fluffy and nice, it also has to be ridiculously over
the top and unjustifiably loud. It's like a puppy dog that just craves more and more attention by acting like a totally clumsy silly fuckhead
and at no point was it ever charming doing this.
The casting isn't perfect either. Mikey in his most grown up state in the film looks to be at least 6 or 7 years old. But it seems
as though they've had to make other children he converses with just as old so that he doesn't look like a 6 or 7 year old hanging out with
other kids his age (2) who are actually 2 years old! Unfortunately this looks ridiculous, especially when we have a stroller scene with several gigantic
6 or 7 year old children being wheeled around by their mums in fucking strollers!? Further annoying is the fact they have a full vocabulary and thoughts
full of rich adult dialogue. They have total understanding of other people's words and actions, as if they've lived a life, yet they are totally shocked
by things like cars and other assorted adult things that they've never used. I realise it's only a comedy but can we have some consistency. Don't give
them a full adult dialogue but have them baffled by other things they would surely have knowledge of if going by their dialogue and vocabulary. FURTHERMORE
we have these children conversing, in full dialogue, INSIDE THEIR OWN MINDS. How are they communicating to each other? Do they all have some fucking
type of mind communication technique? Are they psychically linked? I'm pretty sure I was a child at one point and I don't remember being a fucking baby
version of Professor X from fucking X-Men! So we have 7 year old looking 2 year olds, with mind communication powers, "think-speaking" with a full
vocabulary and only the dialogue of which life experience can bring. I want answers damn it! Why are these children not talking yet? Why aren't they
in school? Why aren't they walking when they're fucking taller than me?!
I have to say I'm surprised about the stupidity of this film because Amy Heckerling wrote and directed it and she is not a bad talent at all.
She's behind movies such as Fast Times at Ridgemont High, European Vacation, Clueless, A Night at the Roxbury & even an episode of the US version
of The Office. These are all personal favourites and relatively ageless comedies (fashions and culture references aside). But Look Who's Talking
seems like an effort that is just so caught up in that daggy and dopey era of the late 80s / early 90s. It's as sloppy and cliched as a large
badly sculpted coffee mug with bumpy writing saying WORLD'S GREATEST DAD on it made by some guy's kid and painted with bright yellows, reds and greens
in no specific colour theme. I'm thinking - was the movie lost in too much silliness and fluff because it was intended for a different target audience?
I don't know. I do know Look Who's Talking is shit, those other movies aren't. Amy Heckerling - what happened!?
So let's sum up Look Whos Talking. Kirstie Alley, John Travolta, montages, sperm entering egg scenes, Bruce Willis being annoying (!!), alot
of fuzziness and stupidity. I can't believe this fucking movie won a People's Choice award for best comedy in 1990. It goes to show, we all
really were on alot of coke in the late 80s, "YEAH MAN, FUCKING, FUCKING, *scratches face* FUCKING LOOK WHOS FUCKING TALKING MAN, IT'S THE
BOMB BABY! IT'S THE SHIT! IT'S FUCKING... FUCK! I JUST WANNA... *scratches arms and face and sniffs deeply* I WANNA... FUCKING... EAT A
FUCKING PLANET MAN... YKNOW... I JUST WANNA *sniffs and gnashes teeth* I JUST WANNA FUCKING TAKE A LIFE... YKNOW.. FUCKIN... YEAH MAN! I'M
VOTING FOR FUCKING LOOK WHOS FUCKING TALKING MAN! THAT SHIT'S THE FUCKING SHIIIIIIT MAN!". It's really the ONLY way it could've won right?
On a further note - I'm going to try to refrain from reviewing any other Look Who's Talking movies, although the level of stupidity involved
in Look Who's Talking Now may beckon me far too much to expose it for the tripe it is.
Lastly, I'll have it known that I bought this on DVD with good intentions. I had fond memories of it from when I was a child. I was about 10 when I saw
it last. Now I hate my ten year old self.
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1.5 OUT OF 5 JAGER-BABIES. |
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