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Rob Zombie's
HALLOWEEN
(2007)
DIRECTOR:
Rob Zombie
STARRING:
Malcolm McDowell, Tyler Mane, Brad Dourif, Daeg Faerch, Danielle Harris, Kristina Klebe & Scout-Taylor Compton.
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| Last Sunday I felt like watching some B-grade cool horror shit. No other actor is better to watch for B-grade cheese than Bruce Campbell. I wanted something that was non-Evil Dead though so I blew the dust off my old 80's VHS movies and decided to put Maniac Cop on, probably some of Bruce's best acting is in this movie. I'll just say Maniac Cop 2 & 3 are alot shitter and that's almost done to the fact that Bruce himself is not in them (except for his 5 second walk on role to receive a sword through the throat).
Anyways, I watched Maniac Cop and thought to myself, "Shit this is a really cool horror movie. They don't make 'em like this anymore. It'd be interesting to see a remake for the purpose of better effects, etc.". Then I also reminded myself that the movie is so good it doesn't NEED a remake, and the movie was made and intended for an 80's audience or an audience that is happy to sit and watch a movie from the 80's 2 decades along. It may lack good lighting or amazing effects, but it still fucking works, the cover artwork in this day in age would have several young good looking people on the cover and some shitty photoshopped computer shit. The script would require at least 5 more explosions, therefore warranting no violence to make it a M15 release.
Finally it would lack the fantastic synthesized track that ONLY the 80's horrors deliver, instead we'd have a fuckin nu-metal track in particular "Let The Bodies Hit The Floor" by fucking Drowning Pool (and don't even try to tell me that isn't overly used PS. It's the music for the second trailer for the next fucking Rambo for fucks sake).
What I'm getting at is, (turns and addresses remakes as individuals) unless the movie was truly bad in the first place and is open for a much better re-iteration (eg. the original Hills Have Eyes 2), just fuck off and let it be a classic.
All this leads me to - HALLOWEEN - Rob Zombie's remake. Oh Mr. Zombie, how I admired you at first. I thought you was the bees knees I did. House of 1000 Corpses was insanely colourful and bizarre - I thought I was seeing a liquid version of an old-school EC comic (Tales from the Crypt style comics). Then you brought out the Devil's Rejects (although I stand by my opinion on it not actually being bloody or a horror), I was amazed by the manner in which you had me sympathising for a bunch of homicidal fucking maniacs. Actually smiling at the funny family moments they had. You were the creator of Otis, with the help of Bill Moseley's amazing acting, one of the coolest characters to ever grace screens. All this came from you and your clearly vivid imagination.
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I was literally an overnight fan of you, Rob, because personally I find your post-White Zombie music fuckin boring. I caught all you interviews in eager anticipation for your next horror project. I specifically remember one interview which made me fuckin applaud your attitude towards horror. You stated that horror movie remakes are killing the horror industry and reinventing classics in a dumbed down version for dumbed down kids. In my eyes, you were a genius, I held you higher than even Eli Roth.
Man, how he has fallen...
A few months later you remake a horror movie. not just any horror movie, THE Halloween, by THE John Carpenter. THE Halloween that reinvented the slasher genre, THE Halloween that still remains voted one of THE best horror movies ever made, if not THE best. Before I begin the film review itself - let me just tell you all that he is now remaking fucking C.H.U.D. - I wonder if he's going to make them Kiss fans and model them after himself too.
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^^The beautiful Danielle Harris and Kristina Klebe hanging out with the total barf worthy moron - Scout-Taylor Compton.. |
Rob Zombie's Halloween remake begins with Michael Myers as a boy (because everyone was crying for the back story). Living with his sister, his mum (any reason to put Sheri in a film ey Rob) and her abusive boyfriend (William Forsythe - saving most scenes). Anyways, we see Michael mope around and be a little kid with his psychological problem like a fetish for masks, killing animals, etc. It's not exactly fresh ideas, eg. most serial killers in real life displaying such behaviour as children themselves. Then we see Michael stalk one of his bullies. Michael knocks him to the ground and bludgeons him with a stick. I have this feeling Rob Zombie was watching it after it first edit thinking "Wow this is really fucking disturbing, a little boy killing a boy older than him". All I could think was "Wow, how shit - why the fuck are you filming spinning trees every time Michael bludgeons his head open, it's a horror movie, I'm here for gore not fucking scenery with gooey sound effects". Fair enough the original was barely violent at all - but if there was bit of premise of this version, Zombie said it'd be more violent. NEXT!
Anyways, as we all know because it's ALREADY A MOVIE, Myers is home one night and decides to kill his sister and her boyfriend. It still doesn't REALLY explain why (which was meant to be the whole point I thought). There's an addition to this scene which is William Forsythe getting killed by Myers as well as cut shots of Sheri Moon zombie stripping - ey Rob - I get it, your wife is a but-her-face - stop putting her in your movies. Although I will give her some credit (because I find it hard not to see her as Baby) she does act quite well for what little time she is given in this movie.
Michael is thrown into an asylum and consulted privately by Dr. Loomis (a ridiculous looking but well acted Malcolm McDowell), with visits from his mum. To be honest, I don't remember why because this movie just seemed so un-important, but for one reason or another Michael Myers stops talking. He kills another woman, a nurse or guard or some shit. Blah blah blah, he grows up and now for some reason he's a gigantic fucking man. The fact that he is this big is ridiculous, he's just a guy, who grew up in a fucking asylum for that matter. Are you telling me that let homicidal fucking maniacs use heavy ass dumbbell weights?? I doubt it. Don't present a horror movie in some form of serious fashion if you're gonna let shit like that fall through the net.
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Anyways after an extremely unnecessary but quite shocking rape scene Michael escapes. Apparently the guards at the asylum had no fear of Michael Myers as the huge gigantic bastard he is, despite the fact he was capable of murder as a little boy, so they rape an innocent woman in HIS cell (errr... right). Michael kills the guards during the rape and as I said before, escapes.
Pretty much the rest of the movie is the same as the original. At times scene for scene (the only well done scenes throughout the movie). I will pay some special attention to a scene where Michael Myers attacks one of three main Halloween girls we're all familiar with. He has her in the kitchen and could basically do what he wants to her. Here I am foolishly expecting him to bash her around the kitchen in a brutal manner in which I've seen him do all his homicidal impulse murders in thus far. Instead he leaves her alive for other people to find & be shocked by. What sort of a fucking joke is that.
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"He's back, he's back for his sister. I don't know what for, but ^^
it's something bad." Even after a decade Dr. Loomis has clearly learnt not a fucking thing from studying Michael Myers.
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To the Halloween fans who have sat through (probably worse than this remake) sequels, look out for Danielle Harris who was in part 4 & 5 of Halloween as one of Laurie's friends, Annie.
I will give bad mention to three more things:
A.) the ending, how fucking pathetic. I can't help but feel Rob Zombie paniced and didn't know how to end this movie. He just seems to END it after EVERYTHING that has happened, like literally Michael just gives up after Dr. Loomis "apologises" to him for failing him. Then suddenly DOESN'T give up so we can have one last "scare".
B.) the script is probably the dumbest fucking thing Rob Zombie has ever written. Here's an example - Dr. Loomis walks into the Sherrif's office and says to him "He's back Sherrif, Michael is back and he's after his sister". The Sheriff replies "what do you think he's going to do?". Dr. Loomis, who let me remind you has spent over a decade studying Michael and giving him therapy, says "I don't know. But it's something bad". Ummm... fuck - really? I'd say he's most probably going to do what he did to his last fucking sister, KILL HER. Terrible.
C.) I can't help but think Zombie likes to stylise his bad guys after himself, eg. Michael & Otis. I could imagine him like "Yeah make Michael look like me... yknow cuz I'm a bad ass. Give him long hair, yeah and he's a Kiss fan! Yeah! Give him a beard too!". Pfft, maybe I just dislike Zombie so much I'm just seeing that.
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| Nevertheless, I give cheers to Rob Zombie for keeping Carpenter's original score, which just cannot be beaten. I give him credit for the mask lookng ultra cool too. I do admire his commitment to getting some of the horror greats doing some cool cameos in here too, eg. Ken Foree & Brad Dourif pop-up, amongst others.
Besides that I just see a movie full of style with no real meat or substance. I have to admit I actually watched this about a month ago on an average quality DVD and the bass was soooo loud in the background I could barely concentrate. But I also watched Wrong Turn 2 and Plane Dead on same quality discs, which I enjoyed far more and had alot more entertainment value, REAL horror value.
A needless, degrading remake. Zombie, I have yet to see the remake sequel, but please leave this fucking series alone. Just fuck off and take the white horse you rode in on with you.
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^^ I... said... GIVE ME YOUR LICENSE AND REGISTRATION, BITCH! |
So there you have it, Almost Famous is not an insanely terribly made movie. It has good production qualities up the whazoo! The performances aren't even terrible. It's just the
story and the characters and everything "written" to do with this film is annoying. Not only is it annoying, it feels false and incorrect. The movie watches like a romantic groupie dream
and not like a true story of a band on the road. Nothing could sum up more what exactly is wrong about this film than that last line.
On another final note, Kate Hudson is a whore. I bet Kate Hudson farts so much in bed that she NEEDS to be a millionaire to replace her expensive silk sheets because she burns so many holes in
them with her own special brand of pressurised methane gas. Maybe the rest of the world is fooled by her stupid little smirk but not fucking I. Not this movie or any of her
other movies (all co-starring Matthew McConaughey) are any good and I have NO idea why anybody gives a fuck about her - I'm looking at you, Owen!
Thanks Cameron Crowe, as if the drugs, smokes and alcohol hadn't done enough damage, I am now even more retarded for watching this fluffy, masturbatory steaming pile of shit!
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Feeling quite fed up after watching it, I give this movie: |
1 OUT OF 5 JAGER-BABIES. |
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