Flash to "PRESENT DAY" and we have five campers out in the forest looking for some weed that "somebody else" planted. They decide to camp at a spot near the weed and get looking for it again in the morning. They drink beer and chat and say really stupid things to each other. One couple go off for a walk, while the three remaining campers drink around the fire. The other couple start getting horny so the third wheel weed enthusiast decides to head off with his i-Pod (fucking douche) in search of the weed (so he can sell it to buy more shit starting with a lower case "i" and a dash). In the midst of discovering the weed location Jason Voorhees rocks up (looking quite intimidating to be honest) with a sack on his head and he kills the bong head dead swiftly (with his machete) ... off camera. *clears throat*

The horny couple go through the "what was that noise outside" spiel until finally the male half goes out to look. Here we have a scene thankful only to the visual style and performance of Derek Mears as Jason, when he rips into the tent and brutally extracts the "caramelly" woman insides hehe. The boyfriend discovers his weed smoking friend dead (at first noticing his ear hanging off a dope leaf - yep - with the i-pod earphone still in it - *puts on calm soothing Apple salesman voice* "Here at Apple, we strive for perfection, our earpieces fit perfectly and will even support the weight of your ear, if say, somebody cuts it off and leaves it hanging over a branch" - CHA CHING!) and runs back to his girlfriend who is already tied up and hanging above the fire in her sleeping bag. Luckily Jason knew the EXACT footsteps the boyfriend would run in to get to his girl in peril, because he set up a bear trap which successfully stops the boyfriend in his tracks from recusing his girl. The boyfriend then watches on in horror as his girlfriend is cooked alive. This sounds cooler than it looked.

Naturally the couple who went off for a walk find Jason Voorhees's house, find his mother's head sitting in a shrine (hole in the wall surrounded by candles), stay too long and the male half of the couple is killed (by Jason's machete). The female half of this couple, Whitney (the only person out of this whole scene worthy of remembering mind you), manages to escape and finds the horny couple in trouble, well, no... the woman is roast, the guy is in trouble. hehe. While she tries to free her friend from the bear trap Jason runs up and kills the guy with a hard swing to his head (with his machete). I have to say the machete in the head effect looked awesome and reminded me of some old school horror techniques, I liked it (gotta like SOMETHING right?). Whitney runs off screaming, trips over and we see Jason Voorhees running up to, bringing his machete down on her and then the movie cuts to black.

*title rolls* FRIDAY THE 13TH.

I'll inform you all that at this point the movie has been going for nearly half an hour, and here's the title of the film. I'm really not sure what the people behind this movie were smoking, but it's some weird shit.

A month or so later we have a group of early 20 year olds out for a weekend of drinking, sex and weed smoking - WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *shoots a gun up into the air* We have, Chewie (Aaron Yew), a crazy American Asian dude who loves pot, drinking and science - yep he's a self destructive nerd as quite obviously the movie's comic relief. We have the token black guy, Lawrence (Arlen Escarpeta), who also loves a nice session of weed and has a sever fetish for reverse racism by constantly questioning everything white people say to him, eg.

White person: "What kind of music do you do... rap?"
Lawrence: "Yo, why do you have to get all racial on me?"

Let's not mention the fact while he questions everyone's motives behind innocent comments (eg. rap is widely recieved type of music and it doesn't have to be a racial question) he literally speaks in a stereotypical black way. Reverse racism, Lawrence - look it up... homie. hehe. There's also, Nolan (Ryan Hansen), the dopey, fun times, half-surfy, ridiculously good looking guy that all the chicks will like for his puppy dog personality traits and nothing more. Accompanying, these three men as other easily written off characters are two nice looking women, Chelsea (Will Ford) and Bree (Julianna Guill), they're both simply here to be either slutty, gamey, or pretty! Well to Will Ford's credit, she featured on some of the very first "chilling" sneak peak photos of the film, well the back of her head anyway. Go Chelsea!

Next up we have the main players. Trent (Travis Van Winkle - awesome name) is a rich boy who is letting everyone stay at the holiday house by the Crystal Lake that his parents own. His general role is to be an uncaring asshole, to be constantly uptight about everything owned by his parents and to fill the movie with conflict. To be honest I enjoyed his character alot and enjoyed the moment he was killed thoroughly. He is only letting everyone stay over because he's trying to score with his (what I assume is) "not-quite" girlfriend, Jenna (Danielle Panabaker), an irritating, idiot of a woman. I'm pretty sure if Jenna was driving a car in front of me she would be doing 50 in a 60 zone in the over taking lane while talking on her mobile and doing her make up. Lastly we have Clay (Jared Padalecki), who is the brother of Whitney in the earlier scene, he is in Crystal Lake looking for his sister who went missing recently. But we know why don't we, hehe- (yells) OR DO WE!?

Well all the gang are at the Crystal Lake general store trying to buy things for their trip where Mud... oh I mean Clay (ho ho ho) is holding up the service line by asking to hand out flyers of his missing sister, Whitney. Trent in all of his subtle niceness rudely suggests that Clay stop holding up the line as he's not buying anything and here we have our first bit of victim on victim conflict. Naturally, Trent's bubblehead not-quite girlfriend feels terrible about Trent's rude approach to Clay and apologises to him. Going by the look of her smoldering, pining eyes while looking at Clay, she should probably be apologising to the shop keeper for making the shop floor wet. (OHW, SNAP!)

With all that uncomfortable business behind them, the "gang" go about their business and Clay rides off on his bike in search of his sister. Once the gang reaches the lakehouse they all start drinking, smoking weed, etc. etc. The yuppie, Trent, pisses and moans and unsuccessfully tries to pick up Jessa. We got through the motions of the movie setting up these shallow characters, lacking in any real personality.

We cut back to Clay, who has been stopped by the local police for snooping around town too much about the location of his sister. I would have liked the police and the town "conspiracy" side of the story explored but it wasn't. We have more pretty teenagers to show doing stupid things you see. Anyway, Clay heads off, despite police warning, in search of his sister, only to be told by a local that if his sister is missing in THIS town, she's probably dead. She further states that people should know to leave "HIM" alone. Probably a little TOO reminiscent of the new story of Texas Chainsaw Massacre but meh. I would've preferred the creepy old man on a bike saying "it's got a DEATH curse". hehe.

Back to party central, Nolan and Chelsea wanna go for a swim and in an act of generosity (to impress Jessa), Trent lets them take his car up to the jetty. He tells Nolan NOT to drive his boat though and of course Nolan completely ignores that and they take the boat out for spin and for Chelsea to do some topless water skiing(??). In this scene we Jason kill both Nolan with an arrow to the head from a distance (not bad) and Nolan happened to be driving a boat in the direction of Chelsea who is no stationary in the water. This leads to a classic head smacking with the boat and then an extremely predictable stab to the top of the head (with a machete) through the jetty boardwalk as Chelsea cowers under it.

Clay rocks up at Trent's place in his investigations where of course Jessa OFFERS HIM INSIDE FOR A DRINK right after he was done arguing with her kind of boyfriend. Very nice manners, Jessa. Not your house, invite him in, the owner hates him, invite him in, you're all wet over the guy, invite him in TO YOUR BOYFRIEND'S HOUSE! Alas, she does invite him in so Trent & Clay argue some more. Naturally, Jessa (after instigating this whole mess) is angry at Trent for being so insensitive and angry at the fact there is a stranger that he hates in his own home, so she walks off into the woods with Clay, who she knows NOTHING about except that he is a LARGE male who could easily rape her. See? She's an idiot!

Ths is the last scene I'll explain only for the fact it's the "Jason getting his hockey mask" scene. Jason comes across a redneck who works in the barn of some farm (Clay meets him earlier in the piece but it's a throw away scene) and naturally - Jason KILLS HIM WITH HIS MACHETE. Should we not utilise this fantasic killing machine laying prominent in the scene - THE FUCKING WOOD CHIPPER!! Throw him in that fucking thing for Christ's sake! Nope, he gets slashed across the neck with the machete... again. If this was Cluedo and we were playing several rounds, I would constantly guess "Jason Voorhees - with the machete - in the *room name here*". But this ISN'T Cluedo - it's a fucking Friday the 13th movie which has a solid foundation of exciting kills! Anyway, Jason's head sack comes off in all the madness of the machete slashing and as he goes to pick it up he notices - what's this... a hockey mask? Well I'm going to wear this. At this point I had genuine chills, it was a cool fucking scene. Then they fucked it up by literally making him walk over to a MIRROR and look at himself for a while. What the FUCK!? Next they'll have him checking the pores on his skin. Goddamn. I could have thought of at least 3 other ways to full display his face donning the mask without have him looking like a metrosexual checking the mirror.

The rest of the movie plays out like a million other PG rated horror films (believe me - this film warrants NO R RATING - not even close), especially as the house comes under attack and everyone has to make a run for it.

But after all the stupidity, we have some icing on the cake. First in one scene, Whitney is hiding from Jason, as he sees her she has time to yell "FUCK YOU" and THEN kick him in the face. Not just kick him in the face via adrenalin & fear charged defence. Later on she tops that line off though, by yelling at Jason right before stabbing him-

"JASON! SAY HI TO YOUR MOTHER!"

*stabs Jason*

"IN HELL!!!!"

Now the whole film has been going for some type of more realistic mood. I can only assume that's why Jason has only used his machete and he's like a bit more of a hunter or something. Not so much a zombie or anything. So let's go the whole way with the realism and just have Whitney scream maniacally while stabbing Jason. She's not stabbing him because she WANTS to kill someone. She's stabbing him out of survival. Her mind has probably going into survival shock mode and it only knows to kill the source of threat. But no - she seems to have done this before and had enough wit about her to utter those classy lines. Awesome.

I should mention that earlier in the film Pamela Voorhees has a voice over almost in the way that she's calling Jason to get revenge for what "they" did to both her and himself. But the lines are literally lifted right out of fucking Freddy vs. Jason. Terrible... I don't know what they were thinking - I really don't.

This whole movie seems like a mess and it doesn't know if it wasn't to be intense, fluffy, camp (geddit? hehe), commemorative or just plain stupid. There is numerous moments of terrible dialogue and characters doing weird things, eg. the token black guy deciding to just jack off in the living room because he happens to be own his own at the time. Not that he knows when people are due back. There's other stupid things too like Whitney looking like Jason's mother a bit and finding his mother's pendant in Jason's house so she uses it to control him or at least ease his temper. So instead Jason chains her up in, get this, his underground lair and tunnels! W000o0o0o0o0o! Texas Chainsaw Massacre anyone? That's just insanely bad.

There's alot of unexplained parts and although it could be said "well if you're a fan of the series you don't need it to be explained to you". It could also be said that they've remade the movie so vaguely that you're never sure if they're coming from the whole original source material or just going it on there own or !? It's a big fucking messy pile of Platinum Poo.