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EPIC MOVIE
(2007)
DIRECTOR:
Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer.
STARRING:
Crispin Glover, Fred Willard, Carmen Electra, other knobs.
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FROM THE VAULT - REVIEWED IN 2007:
I had a busy day at work on Friday (06/10/07). Despite my complete lack of enthusiasm for working, after I've finished a tough slog I always have this sense of self-satisfaction that is hard to beat. I think to myself, "Ahhh... You've worked hard, made some cash & now it's time to come home to chill out to a few movies on this quiet eve." I value these nights of rest and relaxation, more than most could imagine, it's quite pathetic but eh, it's me, movies are my obsession.
I got home, got changed and immediately made my way to the video store (and I DO believe we must ALWAYS call them video stores, despite most of them no longer containing a single mighty VHS, just because we must preserve the 80's in EVERY way hah).
In the new release section I noticed the new James Wan & Leigh Whannell (SAW) horror movie 'Dead Silence', which I've had my eye on for some time now. Typically in this great land of ours we call Australia, it was a straight to DVD release because it probably wont make 100 million unnecessary fuckin dollars. That was a must pick for the night. Then I happened upon what is criminally titled 'EPIC MOVIE'. I thought to myself, "Eh, I may get a few surprise laughs..." so foolishly I gave it a go.
Epic Movie was first up, needless to say it was a total piece of shit. Maybe I have the wrong idea but the point of these movies is to be a parody/spoof of the original movies being sent up. So why the fuck do they have a person imitating BORAT (badly) and they're just using the exact lines he used in the movie BORAT, which by the way Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer (writers AND directors of this lemon), was ALREADY a spoof comedy and it was ALOT fucking funnier than YOUR movie. Some other examples of the pure comedic genius held within this film is the constant musical outbursts of rap. It reeks of a desperate attempt to cling onto the remaining fans of the Scary Movie series which consistently had rap for the soundtracks. I just HAD to turn and say, "Ho-ho-ho! Chuckle-chuckle-chuckle! Oh look, it's a pathetic version of Johnny Depp's Jack Sparrow rapping on a boat with a bunch of other badly acting pirates! That's hilarious because he's using a turn table and a mixer but they weren't around in pirate days! They're making fun of Pirates of the Carribean - remember THAT movie!? AWESOME!! Ha-ha-ha! Chuckle-chuckle-KILL ME PLEASE!".
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I tell you this has to be the last of these movies. It's fucking heart breaking to see what was once an original display of comedy (Flying High, Naked Gun) turn into this pile of puke-enducing, piss-weak, bullshit. The actors are terrible, the comedy low brow and the laughs are more like thinly spread sporadic chuckles. I LOVE stupid fart joke toilet humour (eg. the shitting in a bin scene in Van Wilder) and I STILL thought this movie was fucking empty.
I cannot say how much it SADDENS me to see Crispin Glover in this film, most of you will know him as George McFly from Back to the Future. A man with such an amazing background in film just does NOT belong here. I have no idea what the fuck Fred Willard is doing in this film either. For those of you who don't know, Fred Willard plays Ed Harkin, the newsroom boss in Anchorman. Come on, the guy belongs in better comedy than this.
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^^ Oh look... Jack Sparrow is rapping |:| |
Speaking of which, fucking hell, how FAT is "Stifler's Mom" from American Pie, Jennifer Coolidge, in this movie. They quite obviously tried to get the chick who played Cindy in the Scary Movies on board but she realised she has better things to do than slit the wrists of her career by being involved in any form with this bomb, so they hired some other dim-witted idiot to play a similar type role as her. Well done you shallow movie exec. pricks, now this chick is cursed as the no-chin, no talent, no-future annoying cunt actress in Epic Movie.
I'm going to wrap this rant up now because I could seriously sit here all day and just type my hateful thoughts down, but I shouldn't as almost nobody is going to read this and if you do, well I'm sure you've got better things to do than spend ANY MORE time here. So on leaving, here are my final comments.
Maybe it's not the complete lack of ANYTHING this movie has that pisses me off. But it's the fact that it clearly had a reasonable budget. When I say reasonable I don't mean 100 million but I mean, 20 million. It boggles the mind... 20 MILLION DOLLARS people. That's 40 - 80 times the amount any of us will ever be involved with in any way before we die. 20 MILLION DOLLARS... to make an empty, shallow, plastic, badly-written, badly-acted, offensive, no-plot, no-nothing shell of a movie. If they had given a quarter, hell... a twentieth (!!) of that money to a smart indie film producer, writer, directing team... well, in my opinion, it could have been another piece of underestimated cinematic brilliance. Instead we have a movie that will make 10 times the amount it cost because all the sheep follow the shepard, "FROM THE TWO OF THE SIX WRITERS WHO BROUGHT YOU SCARY MOVIE!!", Joe Teenager says "Wow! It might be the two who made those first TWO movies really good! LET'S GO!".
As long as these movies get mainstream support we will be forever suffering at the hands of them. If you haven't seen 'EPIC MOVIE' yet, please heed my warning and do not see this fucking lemon. It's not funny as a comedy, it's not funny because it's bad, it's just NOTHING.
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I give this total disgrace of a movie: |
0.5 OUT OF 5 JAGER-BABIES. |
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