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CURSED
(2005)
DIRECTOR:
Wes Craven
STARRING:
Christina Ricci, Joshua Jackson, Jesse Eisenberg, Judy Greer, Shannon Elizabeth & Portia de Rossi - for about five seconds.
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This movie opens (as in the first few seconds - right away) with Bowling For Soup playing a shitty song. The crowd is going crazy and
clapping and cheering so I assume they must have dubbed the wrong song track in because all I could hear was shit. Obviously the first few seconds of the movie ALREADY having a live show by Bowling For Soup set's the standard for the rest of the film that tries desperately to "modernise" werewolf films - you know so they'll be as hip as slasher films were after Wes Craven did SCREAM.
Sorry Wes - not happening.
Anyways, Jimmy & Ellie (Jesse Eisenberg & Christina Ricci) are brother & sister without parents. Their lives are kind of shit ever since their parents died and they're finding themselves the underdogs in every turn of life. One night they're driving along and hit a "large dog looking animal" with car, causing them to crash into another car, with Shannon Elizabeth driving. She careens off the edge and tips her car. Bro n sis go to save her and while doing this SE is killed by the "large dog looking animal" (that I think we all know is a werewolf so fuck off I'm calling it that from now).
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Shannon Elizabeth still can't manage acting skills, totally unconvincing as somebody who is dying, even when half her body has been digitally removed from the movie. Even with the convincing FX showing us that the ONLY OPTION can be that she is dying because half her body is ripped off, her acting still doesn't pull through and make us believe, well done Shannon. It's really the fault of bad casting, we all know you only get Shannon Elizabeth on board for topless scenes. Anyway, in trying to help her from the wereworlf (hehe) bro n sis are also infected. The initial attack scene isn't shot particularly well, fast movements, dark lighting, etc. So I'm not sure exactly how bro n sis were bitten/scratched/infected - but they were~! So unfortunately what should have been the "big traumatising scene" just became the big flop that could've been.
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^^ Shannon's career MUST be bad. Half a torso & STILL whoring herself. |
A growing trend in movies since the beloved Internet hit the mainstream is the old research on the Internet scheme. I had no idea the Internet was such a resourceful place, here I was thinking it was full of ads and porno, but no you can even find out about real no foolin' werewolves on there and stuff, wow! Jimmy knew about this way before any of us and decided to research just what DID happen tonight, by checking out some websites, naturally he's a pro and every click sinks him deeper and deeper ( I didn't even see him use the "<" button) into the right information about what's going on! Well done, Jimmy, you'll be working at the Daily Planet before you know it (bah-doom - tis!).
We're treated to a dream in which Ellie actually eats a chunk out of her boyfriend's (Joshua Jackson) neck. This has been done with digital FX so we're then treated to a gushing blood out of the neck scene and the blood looks like pure anime, very bad effort. I guess I always saw horror as a genre that wasn't a MUST for CGI - especially a simple biting neck scene, fuck off Craven.
Ellie's boyfriend, Jake, is some sort of SFX type dude and he has setup some B-50's horror club called Tinsel. He has been in charge of everything and it's his "pet project" if you get me. He is known for at one point sleeping around with every chick in town and naturally every chick in town still wants a little more. But he has voweed to stay committed to Ellie only from now on. Good boy, pats. He disappears in and out of the movie whenever it's convenient for the movie to do so, enough said.
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Naturally once "cursed" by the bite of the werewolf our underdogs start noticing differences. Jimmy has heightened senses, starts to become more athletic, more "attractive" & "charismatic", he sleeps outdoors naked, eats more meat, has generally got his shit together more & has finally started growing hair on his balls. Julie has heightened senses, more confidence, is more "attractive" or (as one of her co-workers puts it) more "saucyy", she too is eating more meat and is generally more desirable & likable (even by Scott Baio's standards - um...). Oh, also their dog is now scared of both of them. Incase Ellie hadn't noticed her changes happening, Portia De Rossi jumps into the film for five minutes as a ridiculous gypsy warning her of the "mark of the beast" on her hand. |
AIIIEEEEE!! They're using terrible CGI FX on meeeee!! ^^
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| Naturally once "cursed" by the bite of the werewolf our underdogs start noticing differences. Jimmy has heightened senses, starts to become more athletic, more "attractive" & "charismatic", he sleeps outdoors naked, eats more meat, has generally got his shit together more & has finally started growing hair on his balls. Julie has heightened senses, more confidence, is more "attractive" or (as one of her co-workers puts it) more "saucyy", she too is eating more meat and is generally more desirable & likable (even by Scott Baio's standards - um...). Oh, also their dog is now scared of both of them. Incase Ellie hadn't noticed her changes happening, Portia De Rossi jumps into the film for five minutes as a ridiculous gypsy warning her of the "mark of the beast" on her hand.
A standout scene is where Jimmy uses his new ability to beat his jock bully nemesis in some wrestling. It took me back to the days of Teen Wolf and the 80's in general. I think this side of Jimmy's infection was under utilised and could've made alot more of the movie good, if concentrated on. But no, it went in another direction, mostly stupid too, awesome! Jimmy's nemesis starts to ponder hidden feelings of homosexuality after being beaten and literally transforms into a gay man, which in the long run makes him a NICER GUY! *smacks jaw* It's all very clever.
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Things build to a climax where it is revealed that Jake is in fact a werewolf and it all leads to a showdown at Tinsel. Ellie suspects Jake of being the lead werewolf, they're all trying to escape him, but Jake swears it's not him, he swears there is a FOURTH werewolf, but who is it? To say who it is isn't giving away anything huge, but still - I'll leave it to you to hire it, if you really care. Needless to say it all ends happily.
Julie has her confidence back, she's won the day, Jimmy gets the girl and the ex-boyfriend Jock, well he just smiles watching them kiss for the first time, happy that's he found his homosexuality in a matter of a day without any underlying questionable doubts, objections, regrets or confusion. Everyone is just peachy - wow, I feel great now, what a fun little rompy couple of weeks. No "surviving being a werewolf" trauma, no "I'm suddenly gay" trauma, no "my partner who I loved was a werewolf and is now dead because I killed him" trauma, no trauma or
any sort. Everyone is just happy and ready to start making whacky jokes. |
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^^ Awakening naked in the front yard - the average Sunday morning. |
I half expected Jimmy to suddenly slip on a banana pill and for everyone to look at him and go "Jimmmmmmyyyyyyy - ho ho ho!" -cue taped audience laughing-. Really stupid.
The best thing about the movie is the brother and sister (blah & Christini Ricci) and oh how Ricci has grown. She is now a striking elegant beauty and she deserves a good career... well... just because she makes my genitals move.
The worst thing, Craven is using too many of the old rules - macho boyfriend of the girl that our whimp hero pines for (naturally she tells him to stop picking on him tho she's willing to cause it all by insisting on chatting to him and is always willing to leave with the bf), gypsys,people who are infected but don't know it yet waking up outdoors naked (?) and mostly that trademark Wes Craven stupidity.
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But the worst, worst part - is the final showdown. At least at the beginning the werewolf was mysterious, by the end we have so many werewolves jumping around all zany like that we become used to their appearance and it all seems like a big colourful werewolf superhero comic. Too MUCH fun in a werewolf movie, An American Werewolf in London was fun, but also intense and knew that when the beasts were on screen bring on the old-school terror. On top of that we begin to see the human motives inside the werewolves. It's scarier to imagine that when a werewolf is in wolf form, it is a primal beast on a rampage, hungry for flesh, not some human seeking revenge as a human would but only they look like a werewolf. Such a pointless waste of time. |
Flipping the bird? That's the RUDEST werewolf I've EVER met! ^^
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What's finally the WORST, WORST, WORST part of this movie. I think we all know what I'm about say - is the violence factor. This was meant to be all out guts and gore craziness. Fuck, I went to the point of buying the "UNRATED" version (which is this review btw) before UNRATED meant fuck all, so I could see a little more gore. The UNRATED R1 version is exactly the same as the MA15+ R4 version, ridiculous! It had it's moments of gore, but ultimately it's a pretty clean film, especially when the director was behind the original The Hills Have Eyes. Sometimes I love sitting down to watch a dumb teenage horror film that has no integrity whatsoever, but I'm normally drunk, stoned or hungover, in which case I could be watching a test pattern without caring. Cursed is average at best and is NEARLY there at times- but it just never quite sinks its teeth in.
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As I wake up naked in the front yard I give this movie: |
2 OUT OF 5 JAGER-BABIES. |
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