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A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
(2010)
DIRECTOR:
Samuel Bayer.
STARRING:
Jackie Earle Haley, Rooney Mara, Kyle Gallner, Robert Englund. hehe...
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Horror remakes from Platinum Dunes are always hit and miss for me. When I search deep down into the bowels of my non-existent soul I feel bad for them.
They technically get a bad rap for just trying to introduce a younger (and with evolutional degeneration a more ignorant) audience to what
are some classic horror films. I mention ignorance because with ignorance comes a disinclination to search amongst the treasure that is the history
of film to find the classics. It's a lazy, instant information generation where if it's not mass marketed or placed right in front of you,
you may well not know of it's existence. Of course this is a generalisation, but in all honesty, I feel it's an overly valid summary of the
masses of movie goers who are the offspring of a drug abusing generation's offspring. Wow, did that make sense? What I'm saying is, teenagers
today are the kids of parents, whose parents were known as the carefree drug takers of the 60s and 70s.
Platinum Dunes's motivations are admirable. These films deserve exposure to each generation as they come forth and say, "I am ready for HORROR!" Why
not show these kids the cool shit? Thus far they have remade classic horror films such as The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Amityville Horror and
Friday the 13th. These were all big name horror films and remaking them is like Kraft bringing out an alternative Vegemite with pre-added cheese,
calling it "iSnack 2.0" and hoping for success. Oh, Kraft did that? *shakes head in dismay* To me, the big mistake was trying to capture the "i-gen"
with that fuck ass name. Anyway, they had a big task ahead of them no matter what. Some of these remakes have offered quality moments. I often find
myself secretly enjoying the TCM remake. I personally think The Amityville Horror remake is BETTER than the original! Friday the 13th... well that
really sucked. They missed the fucking mark completely. But that's in another review. To add a further point, at least they're trying their
best to mix the old with the new, retaining classic scenes for the die hard fans who would cry over it being cut from the film, but adding quality production
values that could not be acheived in the era of the originals. Especially not on the shoe string budgets they all had. But is that also what goes wrong?
This will be discussed later.
The inevitability of A Nightmare On Elm Street being remade was obvious. It's truly one of the greats. The first question upon hearing of the remake's
eventuality was - WHO WILL PLAY FREDDY KRUEGER!? Surely, Robert Englund will be playing him. Let's remember, it's not like the actor just puts on
a mask and slumps around quietly. Robert Englund IS and always has been Freddy Krueger! Whereas Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers and even Leatherface
have all been played by different people in their many reincarnations. Someone else playing Krueger is like Doug Bradley not playing Pinhead (for
5 minutes) in the Hellraiser films - which I'm sure is going to arise at some point or another. But no, Englund was not up for the role of Krueger.
People were screaming in the streets! Women were burning bras! Horror fans were discussing how pissed off they were at the idea of another horror
remake as they lined up to purchase tickets to the remake of Friday the 13th.
That pretty much signalled the nail in the coffin to me. No Englund? No nightmare. Until I found out Jackie Earle Haley was playing him. I feel
many other people agreed with this point of view. It's a realisation of, "Oh wait, a talented, reputable actor known for his indulgence of quirkier, dirtier more complex
roles? This could be interesting..." I mean, the guy's face is scarier than Krueger's when he's NOT in make up! The one saving grace for this film's
future at this point was his involvement as Krueger. You know what? The fucking casting agent deserves a fucking raise! This is the best Freddy Krueger I've seen
in a LONG time (probably since A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 2).
No more cartoony growl voice like Englund's Krueger of Freddy vs Jason. No more abundant comedy as Freddy moves around looking like fucking Spiderman.
Krueger is once again a dark, mysterious, malevolent ghoul. His face realistically burnt, missing facial features and all. His voice softly, yet
darkly spoken - almost making you think you've heard the sound of a prowling paedophile. But the reinvention of Freddy may be where this film stops
being really impressive and enters the territory of "Oh - they changed Vegemite i-snack 2.0's name to Cheeseybite? Oh, I guess that's not so bad."
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This remake offers pretty much the same story line as the original. We have Freddy Krueger (Jackie Early Haley) haunting the dreams of a handful of Elm Street children
whose parents set out and killed Freddy when they were only toddlers. Naturally the parents have covered everything up and the kids have basically
forgotten everything that has happened now, leaving them confused as to why they're being targeted by a bizarre dream demon.
A slight remake backstory twist has Freddy playing a groundskeeper at a pre-school all the teens of this film went to as children. He
loved the children and played with them all the time. Unfortunately for the kids, he liked to play harder when he could get them on their own in his
private little place he called "the cave". It is suggested that in this cave the kids were sexually & violently harrassed by Freddy with his various
finger knife gloves and other crazy elaborate shit. So, when the parents discover this, what do they do? They go out and KILL him! Fuck yeah! That's
how you took care of shit before the new millenium pansy ass days. Then you sue the fucker and his entire estate for defamation when people suggest you're a murderer! :D
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^^ Freddy NEARLY has as much acne scarring as Bill
Murray and Laurence Fishburne combined... NEARLY.
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Freddy is back to kill the children in their dreams for ratting out on him. Nancy (Rooney Mara) is at the centre of all of this. She was Krueger's "favourite" and
she also ratted out on him first. Slowly, with the help of Quentin (Kyle Gallner), she uncovers the truth and tries to put a stop to Freddy and his evil plan.
I'm not going to re-tell the story in-depth because there are more important things to discuss here and I realise with every word your attention dwindles
further into the land of Ebay or Facebook.
Director, Samuel Bayer, has received a lot of criticism for his direction of this film. I don't really know what the fuck these people are talking about. His
roots in direction of music videos is genuinely frowned upon but in my opinion, who better to direct A Nightmare On Elm Street!? Half the time I watch the
old ANOES films and I feel like staying up all night watching 80s episodes of MTV when I'm done. If you were ever going to make a film clip out of scenes from a
film - ANOES films would be the easiest to do so with! I actually think his music video background BENEFITS this movie as half of it is dream sequence scenes!
Once again we have biased picking at bullshit just because these fanboys are all hurt at their precious film being remade. Sure, I whinge about remakes, but if
it's good I'm not going to shoot it down! Nor will I criticise a director who, in my opinion, has successfully delivered his visualisation of the story to the viewer.
To be blunt - I'm fucking confused as to how I feel about this film. It's A LOT better than the Friday the 13th remake. It has many quality aspects to
it, yet I feel let down at times too. So, first things first - the bad.
THE BAD:
1. I'll start with the use of CGI. The use of CGI in this film comes under good and bad. CGI isn't a terrible invention. It's just the overuse of CGI or using
CGI when prosthetics or makeup were JUST AS practical is when I get pissed off. In one part of the film Freddy pulls a knife out of his eye and a spurt of
CGI blood (or whatever the false fluid looking shit was supposed to be) follows the retraction of the blade. Now, I'm sorry (no I'm not), but haven't
retractable blades been in cinema and stage for fucking decades!? Was it really an impossible feat to pull this fucking effect off without using CGI? Shit,
the cost of the CGI to the cost of a retractable blade with some fake blood must be INCOMPARABLE. It's needless and just really pulls me out of the film
because I see how computerised it looks, start thinking about how far computers have come and wander off into memories of how cool Wing Commander used to be. There are several
moments throughout the film where this occurs, but CGI has also been used well - which I'll touch on after.
2. The title font. Why the fuck must Platinum Dunes have all their remake titles written in the same font!? It's almost like their making all these movies so
that in ten years they can bring out a box set titled "THE ULTIMATE PLATINUM DUNES HORROR REMAKE SET" and not have to worry about redoing the cover title
fonts. We know you make these films! It's on the poster, DVD cover, adverts and the start of the fucking film - SHUT THE FUCK UP! The first Nightmare On Elm
Street had such an evil, twisted title graphic so I was disappointed to once again see the bland font they seem to use with every remake title.
3. Introduced to this Elm Street incarnation is "micro-napping". I understand it's a real deal thing but I find it a very convenient way of having Freddy be able
to frantically nip at their heels all the way along. It's almost as though it was introduced to create a faster pace for the story, but to me it was just dumb.
Sure, Freddy haunts their dreams, but does he choose WHEN they dream!? He's a dream demon - not a sleep demon. No dream, no death right? I suppose this is
an issue with the ANOES film series too but still... you're telling me Freddy is going to be RIGHT THERE if you micro-nap for 20 seconds? Fair enough *shrugs and stuffs face
with popcorn*.
4. The WORST aspect to this remake would be the abundance of cheap shot jump scares! At no point is the movie all that scary... creepy yes... but never scary. But
it truly is SHOCKING in that every time something pops up on screen it's accompanied with a gigantic noise - DUUHHDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Freddy jumps out from around
a corner - jump scare noise! Boyfriend jumps up at the bedroom window instead of Freddy - jump scare noise! Bystander picks nose - jump scare noise! If you don't shit
your pants you're either deaf or really dumb, like me. It's an easy way out and I've never been one to embrace the jump scares. In one particular scene Quentin
walks into a room where Freddy is sitting with his back facing him at a little kids table with some kids. The scene goes very
quiet but you can hear him whispering to them or something. It's kinda of creepy and cooky... almost cute that he's sitting at this little table. So what happens?
Suddenly his head spins around to face Quentin in sped up motion and a loud noise plays. :| Oh... that's where you went with that scene? I would've preferred
Freddy slowly turns around, as haunting music sets in (refer The Shining - bathroom scene music) and grins, slowly holding up a
gored up child with Quentin's name written on their clothes in blood. This sets Freddy into evil cackling when Quentin is suddenly woken up. Shit, I just wrote
that scene right there without any fucking JUMP SCARES! Sigh... I fear that the trend of abundant jump scares will have a long life in horror.
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5. This is a short complaint and not one to really hold against the creators. These remakes are all so highly polished. One thing Platinum Dunes do well is film
a pretty fucking movie. The lighting, the locations, the colours... it's all brilliant. But I guess part of the charm of films like TCM and Friday the 13th was
the cheap appearance. Alas... this is for a new audience for a reason - moving on.
6. My final complaint - the fucking one-liner as Nancy kills Freddy! WHYYYYYYYYYYYY!? She can't just pick up the machete and start hacking the fuck out of him
while screaming maniacally like a woman who hasn't slept for days and is suffering from severe trauma would? No, instead she's the fucking annoying idiot who suddenly
pulls her shit together, grows an Elephant balls load of confidence and says with attitude:
"NOW YOU'RE IN MY WORLD, BITCH!"
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NOW YOU'RE IN MY BATH TUB, BITCH! ^^
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Then slices his fucking throat open. Dude, he's a dream ghoul... you've managed to pull him into the flesh world... he's standing in front of you... you're
holding a weapon... why haven't you attacked him yet? He's going to kill you! Oh... you're thinking of something to say? Oh - oh! Say um... say "I'M MAKING
A LASAGNE FOR DINNER TONIGHT, BITCH!" No? Oh... well... just play it by ear.
"NOW YOU'RE IN MY WORLD, BITCH!"
Pssht... how about - shut the fuck up, bitch?
THE GOOD:
1. THE CGI. Fortunately, with new advances in special FX technology, the ability to represent ones dreams is a much easier task. Eg. Nancy running from Freddy in the hallway
of her home and the floor turning to blood. This makes for an overall much more effective dream sequence. Unfortunately, the appropriate and necessary use of CGI
is far and few between.
2. The storyline had a great balance between original and fresh. Done away with was Nancy's chief of police father. Instead her father was a complete no-show. In
fact the parents in this remake were an enjoyable part altogether. A particular nod goes to Quentin's father, Alan (the always grimacing Clancy Brown) who plays the
concerned, yet almost evil parent to perfection. The kids surrounding Nancy were all a good balance. Sure, they were all good looking (except for Nancy's love
interest Quentin - by the way, keep an eye on this guy, one of his next projects is titled UNICORNS :| But I guess that stupid pale, puffy-faced, pouty, emo, skinny Robert Pattinson look is hot right now?), shit, if Katie Cassidy got
any hotter she'd be on fucking fire and haunting dudes in their dreams, but they were also all good actors and
it wasn't played up to the teeny bopper style that I felt Friday the 13th was running rampant with. Simple formula here - the original story, with a few creative
twists and a fresh coat of paint for the modern audiences to lean on. Sepcial kudos should be paid to how Nancy's mother is killed in the final frames of
the film in comparison to the same scene in the original.
3. The production quality is nothing short of top notch. This is a fucking well presented film, but why expect less from Platinum
Dunes? I've said it a million times before but there films always have these amazing washed out yet extremely colourful visuals.
4. I'll be honest - this film would not be half as good without Jackie Early Haley's portrayal of the legendary Freddy Krueger. Gone is the cartoon clown
we all started getting far too used to. In his place stands an evil, burnt, paedophile who has a thirst for blood, revenge seeping out of his pores and a
sadistic, yet subtle sense of humour to boot. It takes me right back to ANOES 1. The make-up department deserves credit too, for recreating Krueger in such a
realistic fashion. You see some of those real burn victims, with no real facial alements left. A melted nose, no lips, eyes looking souless and shapeless. Then
they take it one step further by having crispy pieces of flesh hanging from his face. The new Freddy oozes vengeful evil and exhibits behaviour one would imagine
a sexually depraved individual to exhibit.
Okay, so I know thus far this review has been totally confusing, but like I said - I AM confused. Some things in this film make me cringe as I think, "Fuck that
annoys me!" Then some things I loved and found REFRESHING (shock!). It's the first Platinum Dunes movie I've come across that ISN'T hit and miss. Normally I'd either love or hate it, black & white with no grey area.
But this film leaves me to only weigh up the good to the bad. So, although the
list of bad elements is far longer than the good elements, I do believe the positives hit a stronger more vital chord than the negatives. This lifts the film to its
heights, enforcing me to give it a pretty reasonable score.
If you've avoided the remake of A Nightmare On Elm Street because you're an old-school fan (like me), then stop being a dick, you might be surprised just how much you enjoy it. I don't even care Englund isn't
Freddy anymore. Infact, this remake has shown me that the old Freddy had become pretty fucking boring
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NOW YOU'RE ON MY WEBSITE, BITCH: |
3.5 OUT OF 5 JAGER-BABIES. |
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