Ninjas. They're fucking cool aren't they? Black-clad killing machines who had a supernatural ability to vanish at will, along with a mastery of the martial arts
and secret assasination weapons hid up their jumpsuits that had every 16th century samurai warlord cacking in his own ornate armour at the mere mention of them.
They were hitmen, soldiers of fortune who would take on any job against seemingly impossible odds - and always delivered the goods. There is much scholarly debate as to
whether they even existed - at least in the form that Hollywood and the far-eastern film industry has portayed them. But that's the fun part innit? When something is
open to interpretation, it throws up gems of 20th century filmaking.
Such as the 1985 Cannon films effort, American Ninja. It was always out of reach at the local video store during my wasted childhood, an impossibly cool looking image
on the VHS case of some white bloke about to slice up a faceless ninja bad guy with a two-foot piece of steel death, with a patriotically HUGE Stars n' Stripes as the
backdrop. Tremendous marketing ploy that. By that I mean - every Western (and most likely Australian) kid loved American popular culture back in the day, myself included.
Before we got older, started traveling the globe and actually met Yanks who thought they won WW1 & 2 on their own. Apologies to any US readers - but you gotta admit,
some of your brash, flag-waving compatriots let y'all down (all email should be forwarded to www.Controversystatement.com)
^^ Yep - that's one helluva American ninja!
Now before I continue, you have to remember that this was made by CANNON pictures... yeah that's right, the Israeli-financed studio that gave us such cinematic
masterpieces like Delta Force (with Chuck Norris remaining hilariously stoic whilst mauling some hopelessly cliched Arabic terrorists), Cyborg (a futuristic Van-Damme
kick-em-up vaguely in the vein of Mad Max, where all the characters are named after electric guitars) and Superman 4: The Quest For Peace (sad coda to the Christoper
Reeve era, please don't waste 90 minutes of your life on it, even if you're curious. Superman Returns was better... just (**Bludge: OHW!? What's wrong with Superman
Returns!? hehe). So if you're looking for a decent script with well developed characters and a challenging storyline, fuck off to the Merchant Ivory section, please.
Still Here? Great. Never expected you to leave. After all, this is THEBLUDGEONER.COM, the darkest, most vicious and unforgiving set of QWERTY characters that ever
flashed up on your screen, you fucking SADISTS.
Right, so a brief summary of the "plot" (sigh).
"Joe Armstrong, an orphaned drifter with little respect for much other than martial arts, finds himself on an American Army base in The Philippines after a judge gives
him a choice of enlistment or prison. On one of his first missions driving a convoy, his platoon is attacked by a group of rebels who try to steal the weapons the
platoon is transporting and kidnap Patricia, the base colonel's daughter, who happens to be along for the ride. Joe rescues Patricia and gets her safely back to the base,
but everyone else in the platoon is killed, leading his superiors to conclude that Joe is guilty of cowardice, collaboration or simple incompetence. At the same time,
the rebel leader vows revenge against the serviceman who disrupted his plans, and sends an army of ninjas to assassinate him and bring back Patricia. If he wants to
survive and save the girl, Joe's going to have to draw on every last ounce of his training."
OK so i ripped that summary off IMDB. But to be honest it's one of those films that doesn't actually NEED a plot. It's a formulaic, by-the-numbers actioner with a
cheesy horns & synthesiser soundtrack and badly lit shooting locations that look like they were found at random by the crew on a dot-to-dot map on each day of filming.
Not even YOU, American Ninja, can save your sultry ^^ Western woman friend! *evil Manga bad guy laugh*
Now dear readers, you come to this site to be "ENTERTAINED!!!" (Copyright Russell Crowe, 2000). And when you look back through your action movie collection and pit the
80's against the 90's, what hits you? No? Anyone at the back of the class? No? STOP WAVING THAT COPY OF UNIVERSAL SOLDIER YOU LITTLE SHIT. DETENTION FOR 6 MONTHS AND
1000 LINES. "I SHALL NOT WATCH ROLAND FUCKING EMMERICH FILMS".
Alright, class... let teacher tell you. The action cinema of the 1980's pisses on the 1990's from a heavenly height, BECAUSE:
IT REFUSED TO TAKE ITSELF TOO FUCKIN' SERIOUSLY.
Simple as.
I mean, get this. Steve James (playing blah in American Ninja), a jobbing stuntman and sometime supporting actor back in the day. In the 1990's (God bless his soul, he
passed away in late 1993), he would have been on the straight-to-video scrap-heap. Yet American Ninja gave a fantastic platform for his art. He is so much more than the
"token black buddy" in this picture. It's kinda like he DEMANDED a piece of the action from the director.
Steve James: "HELL NO, MAN!! I AIN'T HAVIN' NO MUTHAFUCKIN' STUNT DOUBLE! I'M GONNA PERFORM THOSE FUCKIN' SCENES MAHSELF!!!
The director, Sam Firstenberg (what a fantastic name), mindful of his tiny budget, was probably well-pleased. His response?
^^ Steve James giving it to the director, Firstenberg, on set.
Sam Firstenberg: "Like uh...Sure, Steve! YOU GO, BABY! But uh...Just be careful, OK? The money-men say if you get injured or god forbid, KILLED, we gotsa cut your role out the
movie, as they ain't payin' for a replacement...."
Steve James: (Tightly wrapping his Rambo bandana around his head, grunting and popping his veins towards camera & crew) "FUCK, YEEEEAAAH!! LET'S DO THIS BITCH!!!"Speaking of which, why is it that only black or asian dudes look COOL AS FUCK wearing such distinctive headgear? I mean Yaphett Kotto in Alien? Sonny Chiba in Timeslip
(AKA: GI Samurai, forgotten classic - check it out, it's one of the few films that is BEGGING for a re-make)? They looked the fucking BUSINESS. Yet when a white guy dons
his headscarf, he winds up simply looking like a DICK. Mark Wahlberg in Boogie Nights (Although the irony was intentional and it's a Fuckin' tremendous picture), John
Travolting in Stayin' Alive, Stallone in Rambo 3 (**Bludge: Don't forget about Ralph Machio in the Karate Kid flicks!). No comparison to make really, is there?
And lets not forget Mike Dudikoff. The 1000-yard stare of Norris. The rasping, dead-pan delivery of Eastwood. The martial arts ability and experience of a Westerner
(IE - 0% you fucking idiot, carry on with those lines or I'll make you watch Terminator 3 on an endless loop you fuck. There, that's better). I mean, American Ninja was
groundbreaking, truly. Observe the following action sequence:
DID YOU SEE THAT!? Steve James' forward COMMANDO ROLL! Ninja... FLAMETHROWER! Ninja... MACHINE GUN! Ninja... LASER!
Generic Euro-trash villain: "YOU STAY HERE".
BLAM!!! AURRRGH!
This is what growing up in the 80's was all about. Anything was possible, if you had the imagination and free-as-a-bird improvisational skills to put together a fight
sequence barely 5 minutes before the cameras rolled. Remember when you first saw Superman 1 and jumped from your ward-robe onto the bunk-beds you shared with your older
brother, convinced you could fly? Or Rocky, when you beat the shit out of the goofy kid down the street, believing that you were an undiscovered Heavyweight champ from
the gutters? American Ninja makes you feel like you can win the Vietnam War single-handedly, without breaking a sweat. Believe me, it's THAT COOL.
It's all about those... golden... moments and snatches of... priceless... dialogue and fantastic
ripped-off-Battlestar-Galactica sound effects... just like real life!
^^ Steve James, STILL not happy with director, Firstenberg.
Simple pleasures, engrained in the memory through the magic of VHS.
But trust me, it's the kind of film that is well at home on THE BLUDGEONER.COM. I mean, any film that features the hero of the piece flinging a car-jack, a screwdriver
and other various assorted vehicle maintenance tools at shitty-acting Philipino extras who seemingly wandered into shot HAS to be worth a slice of your viewing time. If
you come to this site and don't fall in love with this film, you can't truly love yourself. You have NO SENSE OF HUMOUR.
Then again... If you already know and love this flick, RESPECT. It's more than a film. It's an affirmation of your appreciation for the things in life that you
unintentionally laugh at. Like people stepping in steaming dog-shit, falling UP staircases and getting run over by 15mph electric cars. And for a jaded action film
junkie such as myself, there can be no higher honour.
"He possess... great... skills..."
Throwing five ninja stars at five Jager-babies, I give this movie:
