JOHNNY DEPP
IN BURTONLAND. |
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Despite how fucking tired I am right now (heavy eyelids, inability to concentrate, drooping penis) I am going to fight on and start this rant.
Because I tell you this is a big fucking deal of a rant. Some people hold the targets of this rant close to their heart. Some people hold
the skull fucking fakes of this rant even closer to their heart than that of your average fan. You know the type - stalking, sifting through
celebrities garbage, sticking cut-out faces of their favourite star to the largest teddy bear they own and fucking the stuffing out of it. Why do I
know so much about their methods. Don't go there... you WISH I was one of them! Nope, I simply know how sad and lonely these people probably are to
be such delusional celebrity underwear sniffing creeps.
^^ This is Rex Mettler – age 42 – your typical celebrity
stalker. He looks popular doesn’t he?
I'm getting off target.
Johnny Depp and Tim Burton... you little geniuses. You've managed to develop quite a disguise for yourselves, an iron curtain, if you will.
This iron curtain is your past reputation of producing unique work that was equally as intelligent as it was quirky. Attracting the cliche's
of society that preferred to be swept under the rug so they can find their own happiness dwelling amongst the dirt they had accepted themselves
as. Ironically these people knew things were no prettier beyond the rug in the clean world and at least had recognition in their own dusty, dark
world. Your films spoke to the Goths, the Emos, the lonely, the dreamers, the poetic, the etc. and it gave them happiness.
Tim Burton, at one time easily the leader in quirky mainstream cinema (and the leader on the list of making the most movies with Jeffrey Jones in
them - hohoho!), gave people visually dark yet humorous films such as Beetlejuice & Edward Scissorhands. Edward Scissorhands, for one, is a much cleverer
film than what the mainstream would give it credit for. Filled with numerous social satires on the "perfect American dream" and even more so of
what's inside counting more than what's outside. It also showed us that Gary from Weird Science (Anthony Michael Hall) was NOT always destined to
be a small, lanky geek (slaps jaw in shock).
Johnny Depp has an amazing career of films that, while not bringing much to to the box office money pile, touched people's hearts and minds in only
the way a special film could. Should I list off some of my particular favourites? (Takes in a deep breathe) Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas, The
Astronaut's Wife, Blow, What's Eating Gilbert Grape, Platoon, Donnie Brasco, Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, Cry Baby, The Nick of Time, etc. A pattern
to take notable consideration of is the unique visions most of these movies had whether they were financially successfully (and let's face it, sheep
will eat what they're feed no matter how shit it tastes so box office takings mean fuck all to me) or not. An amazing actor who didn't seem to
give a flying rats ass about money and trusted what his director and the script brought to him. We're talking about a guy who lived with Hunter S. Thompson
(which entails taking loads of drugs and blowing things up) for 6 months to nail the character just right for Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas. We're talking
about an actor who seemed to refrain from doing sequels. Maybe they were never offered (I find that unlikely) or maybe he just didn't want them, but all I
know is he didn't do them.
**cut to 2009**
Mr. Depp is getting paid over 50 million dollars to do the THIRD sequel to Pirates of the Caribbean. THE THIRD SEQUEL!? Shit, hasn't this series
already run for 2,573,096 hours (exaggeration only hehe) just by adding the first three movie's running times up. Do we really NEED a FOURTH
instalment of a movie based on a fucking Disneyland ride!? Doesn't that just SOUND absurd! Read it again -
Do we really NEED a FOURTH instalment of a movie based on a fucking Disneyland ride!?
My stars - that DOES sound absurd! Yet in the times of a global economic crisis we're paying ONE man over 50 millions dollars to play a character who
became boring at the end of his FIRST adventure. Not only has Jack Sparrow become tiresome and rehashed, I feel Johnny Depp has no way to bring him
to the screen with the energy he was originally portrayed with. It is literally that he has never played a character more than once and with having
the one to two year break between Pirates 1 & 2 he lost the ability to absorb a character he KNEW he had played out to it's fullest in the first film. Jack
Sparrow is now played as a cartoon satire of his own self. Johnny Depp has taken the characteristics of this character which he had transformed into with
subtlety and has over acted him too much. It's not his fault – he's never played a character MORE THAN ONCE! He's just lost the grip he once had on Cpt. Sparrow.
Yeah, yeah, "but he's based on Keith Richards" you say. No shit, the whole fucking world knows that now. But here's a tip, nobody fucking respects
Keith Richards (except for the remaining Rolling Stones fans out there who rely on mummification to preserve themselves when they sleep every night more
than Mick Jagger and Keith Richards do combined), he's a complete monkey look-alike moron. I tell you, if Keith Richards was the main character of a movie,
I wouldn't even want to see ONE of them, let alone FOUR! First Pirates, brilliant, great source for your character Johnny, Keith Richards, very appropriate! Well do-...
What a minute, what's this? Before I can even congratulate the team on a great film there's already a sequel announced – YAWN!
My point is, Mr. Depp has lost my vote. 46 million dollars for a THIRD sequel does not sound like Johnny from the 90s and all you freaks can stand up for him by
saying he's getting old and he's just making money to bring up his children and blah blah blah. I don't care. If he wants to walk around looking all “alternative”
Hollywood and being so “unique” (or at least being praised for being so) he can fucking well represent that lifestyle in his career once again.
Now let's go to the abomination that is the “One-Film-Too-Many-Depp-&-Burton-Partnership”.
I'm going to break this down into a few sections. Firstly, we'll approach what exactly my problem is with Tim Burton in the new millenium and with that, my problem
with the public reaction to his films in the new millenium. Secondly, I'll be doing the same with Depp (although only briefly as I've already spat on the rich
bastard enough a paragraph or so back). Last, I'll be spewing my hatred at their outstayed partnership in film together and the public's reaction to that.
Now I'm trying to get this straight. I don't hate Tim Burton. He reminds me too much of the lead character of Eraserhead to hate him. I used to be quite the fan in
my day to be honest. If Tim Burton was doing it I had faith in it. But at a certain point Burton's films became repetitious. Thanks to the likes of Nightmare Before
Christmas and The Corpse Bride, I thought to myself, wow these movies are not only similar in stop animation style but also in gothic appearance and it's musical element.
Then I started to observe all his recent films. Corpse Bride, Chocolate Factory, Sweeney Todd... what the hell, these are all fucking musicals. I'll let Chocolate
Factory slide, the first one was a musical too. But now we see he's bringing out Alice in Wonderland and- why... it's a musical! Since when did Tim Burton develop a
boner for the musical and stop telling stories as they are. Being me, I assume something negative, that Tim Burton has figured out how easily people fall for musicals.
I bet after each musical Tim Burton makes he writes in his diary after the applause he receives at the premiere.
"TIM YOU FUCKING GENIUS! YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN! I never thought I'd be able to pull of this mainstream tripe as quirky. But I did! I used the same curly tree branch
look I have in all my films now but with a whole shit load of singing and both the alternative people and mainstream people hail it as genius! Holy shit, I really
am god. I also managed to cast the same lead actor again, my wife again and used the same tunes from all my films for the musical parts in the songs and everyone
STILL says it's original and unique! On top of all that, they STILL haven't discovered I'm simply making musical nows because I've lost the ability to tell a full story
in an original way. Jam packing these movies with songs to fill out the run time, it was madness - yes, that's right I'm mad. Mad like a FOX! Nevertheless, they love me!
Oh man, thanks to these fools... everything's coming up Burton!"
Thanks to the 'Emos' and the fucking chicks Burton either thinks this stupid repetetive "goth" look is actually good and unique - EVERY TIME HE DOES A MOVIE - or he is
simply enjoying the cash way too much. Stop buying the fucking cutesy but dark and ugly Nightmare Before Christmas merchandise PLEASE!!! You can't possibly think
it's special anymore. On another note, does anybody else find the musical parts to his movies really shit? Hey, I'm not a fan of Nightmare Before Christmas but at
least that musical had some original & energetic songs. Sweeney Tood is one of the most boring piece of shit musicals I have ever seen! The same singing and music
for every fucking song throughout it's extremely long running time. But here we are with it's success and it being hailed as a masterpiece!? It was TERRIBLE! It wasn't
only terrible but the traditional story was also made a LITTLE bit happier so our protagonist or anti-villian (Johnny Depp) could look fucking nicer! Why? Because god
forbid Johnny Depp look like a bad guy and god forbid the new millienium Tim Burton do an actual TRULY dark film. If that doesn't prove my point at what a fucking penis
face this guy has became then what fucking DOES!? Oh and don't bitch at me "well Sweeny Todd was pretty violent". You would just look like an idiot. It wasn't violent,
it was as violent as a fucking advertisement for red Dulux paint. The blood couldn't have been anymore cartoony even if it was fucking animated. *spits* hehe.
I don't even hate musicals. I like them. Particular favourites - Little Shop of Horrors, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Grease, Jesus Christ Superstar, Tenacious D - Pick
of Destiny, South Park - the Movie and so on. I just like musicals when they're done differently, with variation in music and they're INTERESTING.
Chocolate Factory was a terrible movie. Many of you will agree. Johnny Depp's Wonka was not only lacking mysteriousness but the character had less to offer when we were
shown MORE of his background (too much if you ask me). Gene Wilder fucking owns that role and not even Depp could get near it. The music was destroyed. The original
version was DARKER. The original was DARKER and Tim Burton made the new one? What happened to Marilyn Manson playing Wonka, holy shit that would've been spooky as fuck.
But no, typically they went for the safe bet and got Depp in and made it fluffy. That says it all folks! Then we have the new version of the Oompa Loompas. The Oompa
Loompas, oh my fucking god, the Oompa Loompas! Why would you choose a tiny Indian midget man and replicate him by the thousands to play the Oompa Loompas. That makes no sense.
It just seems like a director desperately grabbing at vines to pull himself out of a shit movie swamp by trying to be different. But it's not old-school Tim Burton different.
It's "why-the-fuck-are-the-Oompa-Loompas-an-Indian-man-replicated-in-the-thousands-? How-fucking-stupid-!" different. Naturally, Helena Bonham Carter gets a role in the
movie, even if it is a little throw away character for an actor of her calibre (I wonder how long Burton went without sex for that he he he). Ew, could you imagine
Helena Bonahm Carter sitting on top of you naked with that big square head of hers. *shakes brain* Ech, moving on.
^^ They look like fucking chia pets going at it! Could someone please give these people a brush!
Then we have everyone going BRAVO Burton! You're such an extraordinary genius film maker! When he has clearly lost all that he used to have to offer. I blame his big
budget outings like the Batman movies and Planet of the Apes. The first two Batman's were great and are true examples of Tim Burton at his darkest. But each time he did
a big film, a little bit of the magic that was inside movies like Edward Scissorhands seems to disappear in any following projects. Planet of the Apes was clearly the
knife that cut the rope that was dangling Burton from his once blossoming talent. The movie was not only REALLY bad but ever since I've not come close to enjoying a
movie that Tim Burton has made! I'm not even going to MENTION Big Fish. It's almost as though it's become a label of identity to say "I love Tim Burton movies". It's
as though nobody sees how diluted his vision has become because doing so would be losing one's identity. *Spoken in frantic voice* "I can't say I didn't like it,
they might think I'm not arty. Worse yet, they might think I'm not smart! Oh god - I'M UNIQUE I TELL YOU! I LIKE TIM BURTON FIIIIIIIIILMS!". Well I say - fuck Tim Burton
films and fuck agreeing with a majority on a movie just because it may threaten your social status. That's truly what I believe though. The mainstream eat the chocolate
flavoured shit Tim Burton serves up because they want to appear smarter and maybe less shallow all the while actually being shallow and having millions of friends, etc.
The alternative fans continue to support and eat up his chocolate flavoured shit because if they speak up they may be outcast as a mainstreamer and lose all respect from
their peers. Damn, humans are such complex little animals aren't they.
^^ hmmm… nope no similarities here… besides the same looking “dark” brooding couples, moonlit backgrounds, curled over and wilted looking landscapes and generally the fact that THREE of these movies feature Carter and Depp.
I've already seen on a main news site an advanced photo of Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland. Oh,the images in my head of him prancing around like
an idiot singing more terrible songs. The chick who wrote her opinion on the photo in this article literally says, "Wow, he looks so dark yet so hot". Hot? That really
says alot about what kind of fucking bubbleheads support these movies. He looks like a fucking transvestite. He looks like fucking David Bowey yet uglier! He looks
ridiculous and nothing like how the Mad Hatter should look in ANY vision of Alice in Wonderland. If two Mad Hatters walked into one of my parties uninvited, the original
and Johnny Depp's, I would pit them against each other. Winner gets in. The only reason I would do this is because I know Depp's Mad Hatter is a weak piece of shit and
would be beaten beyond an inch of his life and the other Hatter would get into the party and we'd have an awesome time. I'm pretty sure that tea had some type of
scotch in it. Below is the photo of Depp's Mad Hatter, please look and tell me what the fuck is “hot” about that.
^^ My god each time I see the photo I forget how ridiculous he looks. He looks like a transvestite bag lady!!
I think I've made my point about Burton movies and how they're received by the public.
I guess I don't have a problem with Johnny Depp as a person. I'm sure he's still a cool dude. I just think he's doing the same thing as Burton in which he is cashing in
on projects that look "semi-quirky" but are in actual fact huge blockbuster movies. Pirates of the Carribean 1 had alot of quirkiness, alot of darkness and a great story
with inspired acting, all while being a huge blockbuster. But the other two are simply stamped out money making machines. He is simply doing part 4 because he's had a
huge wad of cash thrown at him. On a side note, aren't these meant to be kids movies? Or am I wrong? What kid can sit through these movies without getting restless. I
always find myself looking at my watch an hour and a half into every Pirates of Caribbean movie thinking, shit this could've ended a while ago. Maybe I'm just getting
old but they aint all that if you ask me. Okay, I'll give Depp some credit, he did The Libertine recently, which was very much an old school Depp career move. Unfortunately
it was an extremely bad movie. I assume somewhere in the mix of the editing process much footage was lost, because it didn't add up to much. But other than that I can't
put my finger on anything else Depp has done of reasonable mention lately that ISN'T a Pirates movie. I realiseh he has The Lone Ranger coming along in which he plays
Tonto (how that works beats me) but I still think that's a cop out movie role. There are also stirrings about him being involved with a movie version of the novel Hands
of Dante. Feel free to contact me and enlighten me about any of Depp's future works. Maybe I've lost so much interest in Johnny Depp I've not kept in touch with what
he's being doing lately. I'm sure whatever it is it'll be a Burton movie, other than the one he's already filming now.
You wanna go out and see a real no bullshit quirky talented actor. Go out and see The Wrestler with Mickey Rourke. A guy who in his early to mid 50s puts on 30 pounds,
learns how to wrestle, does all his own stunts in the movie and doesn't get paid a cent to do it. Now that's the real thing. How about we give another actor like Jim
Carrey his kudos for juggling a fine balance between off-centre darker films and his more comedic roles which shot him to fame. It's almost a fucking popularity contest,
reminscent of school days when whoever is popular can do no wrong (even if they're a fuckwit) and other people out there who are generally doing a good job just sort of
get snubbed and booed.
Anyway, my final point as I've gone on for long enough. I'm sick to death of hearing about the next Tim Burton movie, which will feature Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham
Carter. Tim, I'm aware Carter is your wife and Depp is your mate, but enough is enough.
Movies made by Burton with both Carter and/or Depp in them:
Edward Scissorhands,
Ed Wood,
Sleepy Hollow,
Planet of the Apes,
*now for the merging of the two*
The Corpse Bride,
Charlie & the Chocolate Factory,
Sweeny Todd,
Alice in Wonderland.
8 movies - I say. Nobody else is sick of it? Ah, I see, you're an "intellectual". Well I'm a dumb cunt and I for one am over it.
It's not that I just dislike these people as actors or as film makers. It's just I know what they are capable of if they are put out of their comfort zones and go in
new directions. Tim Burton seems to be so happy to stay in this money making mold of the same old movies. It's like officially confirmed or something that Burton, Depp
& Carter are going to make money so it continues. If anything I like all these people in what they do so much I wish they would diverge and be on their own and just do
more interesting things again. They're all very smart and articulate and I want to see them challenged again so they reach their full potential like they used to.
A typical example of public reaction to a combined Tim Burton and Johnny Depp project here.
I'm pretty over this topic now so I'm heading off. But I will end the rant with my top three movies by each of these stars to prove this isn't mallicious un-warranted
hated.
Tim Burton:
Ed Wood,
Beetlejuice,
Batman
Johnny Depp:
Ed Wood,
Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas,
Blow / The Astronaut's Wife
Helena Bonham Carter:
Fight Club,
Novocaine,
Frankenstein.
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