Just when you thought you had lived every important moment of your life. Just when you thought you had experienced, heard and seen EVERY SINGLE GOD-LIKE factor of life. Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the 3D saturated theatres. They announce a remake of the science fiction masterpiece TOTAL RECALL!

It amazes me I haven't reviewed Total Recall yet. It may well be because I've noticed the slowly rising takeover of positive reviews on this website, knowing full well Total Recall deserves nothing less than 5 Jager-babies. I have no idea how this positivity takeover has happened. It could be blamed on my total lack of any sort of "system" when it comes to maintaining this website. It could be that there's just so darned many good films out there. Naw, it's definitely due to a lack of a system. Didn't you hear? EVERYTHING NEEDS A SYSTEM! SYSTEM IS GOOD! LOVE THE SYSTEM!

Moving on. hehe.

Total Recall is the 1990 sci-fi classic starring Arnold Schwarzenegger and directed by the one and only Paul Verhoeven. The movie is gratuitious in nature. Featuring a scene where Arnold uses an innocent bystander as a human shield while numerous "baddies" (lead by the irreplacable Michael Ironside) plug away at this poor fool's bullet popped carcass only for Arnold to then throw the body at his pursuers as a diversion to escape. We're also treated to other pleasant imagery such as Arnie hulking in a womanising fashion over his scantily clad wife (Sharon Stone), romancing after she gets jealous over a girl in his dreams. I haven't even got to the part where Arnie is propositioned by a three titted mutant woman. You see... this film is loosely based on a short story "We Can Remember It For You Wholesale" written by Phillip K. Dick. It's a highly respected short story and, in basic summary, is about a company that will implant memories into your head. The protagonist of the story just happens to choose Mars for his implant memory location.

This is where all similarities between the short story and it's movie adaptation end. Just as Phillip had typed his last letter and delicately placed the final peice of paper into the manuscript, three writers- Gary Goldman, Dan O'Bannon and Ronald Shusset, burst into the room. With porno magazines under their arms, Uzi's in hand and careless attitudes in their minds, they throw Phillip to one side, ravage his wife and start scribbling through his manuscript. These three writers have contributed to the some of the most classic scifi/action/thrillers out there. From Big Trouble In Little China, Dead & Buried and Return of the Living Dead to Aliens and Nico: Above The Law. All gratuitious, sleazy, dark, classic. Total Recall was never going to be a whimsical film about the mind and self discovery.

After these three are done raping Phillip and his short story, their leader Paul Verhoeven walks in. Ranting about gore, sexuality and freedom of speech in his venomous Dutch accent. He reads over the changes to the story, approves and tells his boys to leave. He looks over the room of carnage as Phillip K. bleeds, sobbing in the corner of the room. He stares Phillip in the eye and hisses some words familiar to his quote of how he intended final scene of Robocop to be, "Dis fulm wull be so shooking... it wull be luk Satan killing Jesus himself!" With this he leaves the rooms cackling.

Now I may have gone a little overboard there. But the whole point of that rant was to say just how rare a team of writer/director we have behind the original Total Recall film. Made by the pioneers of the 80s era fuck-political-correctness film movement. When people were shot, a LOT of people were shot. They didn't just bleed... they EXPLODED with chunky, jelly like, blood! Women were aggressive and sleazy. Men took charge with their big arms and guns. People speak to each other like shit. Nobody can be trusted. The future had amazing unbelievable new toys. The films themselves were full of political and social satire. Political correctness?? Fuck, those two words had no place next to each other in the worlds of Verhoeven and co.

Three of Verhoven's films are in fact full of politicial, social and consumer satire. From the news breaks on Starship Troopers to the greedy & tyraniccal world leaders Omni Consumer Products and the hilarious yet morbid advertisements for future products in Robocop. In Total Recall this mostly consists of the Mars government charging too much for artifical air on the planet and some people/mutants forming a revolution against the system. All relevant issues, transformed into a comedicly dark social commentary, contrasting on whatever year each film was made in. Blatant, sarcastic support for elisting young people into unwinnable wars (Starship Troopers), blind vanity and consumerism (Robocop) and media hype twisting the truth of unseen territorial wars (Total Recall).

Take all of that in. Absolutely no politically correct content whatsoever. Gore filled scenes of womanising and loud action. A complete anti-system piss take on real life in a futuristic setting. Does that sound like a film that could ever be possibly made by people that are not only NOT the creators of this form of social commentary, but people who are also products of a system the original films speak out against, trying to force this story via a remake, to appeal to people who are even more a product of a vain, consumerist and ignorant society.

IT WILL NEVER WORK.

On top of that, has anyone watched Total Recall lately? Technologically, the film stands the test of time. I watched it just one week ago and the first thing that came to mind was just how advanced the effects are for their time. If a modern audience could watch it today and say, "Oh, this is pretty fake!" it's simply because there's no fucking i-phones and people aren't morons! There's a scene in which Arnie discusses the martian pyramids with a local ex-miner inside a train. The camera pulls out from this close shot, out the train window and across the martian landscapes as a miniature of the train continues to travel along. The edit, shot and overall is effect is seemless. If you knew there was any sort trickery to it, you're fucking amazing. But the realistic odds are, if you did think it looked fake, you're probably just a fucking wanker! Total Recall could be released in cinemas today, as is, no issues - and still make as much as it did in the 90s.

One could be lead to believe the only reason they're remaking it is so they can tone down the politically incorrect content, fill the movie with pretty people (which, excluding Sharon Stone, the original is NOT full of), release the film with a teenager friendly rating and then market it with the number 3 and the letter D! The fact that Len Wiseman, director of the MOST politically correct Die Hard film to date (Die Hard 4), may possibly be directing this fucking atrocity, says it all for me. They have one plan... to take a great film, strip it of everything that makes it great and try to make a fuckload of money with it. 3D! 3D! SAM WORTHINGTON! BLAH-FUCKING-BLAH!

Or is this simply an idea that has good intentions, but is held back by another case of lacking talent in mainstream Hollywood. Either way it's remaking shit that aint broke.

All I know is I'm sure one day I'll be watching this film with my child (as punishment for the little 'un doing something wrong) and they'll probably point and ask "Daddy! Were i-phones really that basic once?" To which I'll reply, "Yes, my child, they were. Now let's watch the REAL Total Recall - void of any product placement and packed full of character!" For which I will win father of the year.

Total Recall?? More like TOTAL BULLSHIT!

Don't take my word for it - watch this trailer and then go fucking hire it: