Sometimes I'm a really nice person I tell you. I'm going out of my way today to explain out there to all of you fucking self indulgent hillbilly ignoramus's a few of the simple fucking road rules that you seem to feel need not apply to you. Now some of these apply to the world, some of these apply to Australia only and most of them apply to South Australia only.
So, here we go (takes a deep breath):
-The "INDICATOR" is called the "INDICATOR" because it is a device to "INDICATE" to other drivers around you just what it is your fucking pee brain is processing so we know in advance what actions to take in response to your actions. I REPEAT - THE "INDICATOR" IS CALLED THE "INDICATOR" BECAUSE IT IS A DEVICE TO "INDICATE" TO OTHER DRIVES AROUND YOU! Keyword in the tool you are using in your vehicle: "indicat(e)" - indicator. For example some people say as they flick the "INDICATOR" down, "I'm just going to signal as I turn". As in SIGNAL to OTHER DRIVERS AROUND THEM! Get it!? Is that making a bit more sense now? So maybe next time you're fucking sitting there with no indicator on and nobody around you is moving perhaps you could process it through your thick ignorant skull that it's because nobody knows what you're fucking doing because you're not telling us and nobody wants to get into a car accident because we all know how accident prone morons like yourself are. On top of all that, if you don't use it - YOU ARE BREAKING A LAW. Yes you! The stupid fuck so pre-occupied by what small meaningless tasks you have set ahead for the day that you can't remember a single thing like flicking a fucking switch down RIGHT NEXT TO THE STEERING WHEEL which is 90% of your interaction with the vehicle you're driving! Yes, YOU are no better than the common thief when you don't use your indicator. I know it hurts, but think about that.
^^ INCASE YOU WEREN'T AWARE THIS HERE IS A STOCK PHOTO!
-Speed limits are NOT suggestions. If a sign says 60KPH it doesn't mean 65, it doesn't mean 55. It means fucking 60. Don't give me that fucking "well if I'm going slower it's not breaking the law". Yes it IS! I've never seen any fucking ads or any campaigns promoting this strategy. I've never seen a cop on TV saying "So do the speed limit, or 5KPH under it - if YOU feel like it!". As a matter of fact you driving UNDER the speed limit will only assist the epidemic of speeders. Do you know why? Because a speeder will be behind you seeing you're doing whatever speed limit you feel like doing and it will trigger in their head that they can do the same fucking thing. Arrogance breeds arrogance! Just do the fucking speed limit, is it really that big a request? For someone of your intellectual stature, perhaps it is.
-Why are you driving in the right lane when you're not even doing the speed limit? There are fucking signs all over the place stating "RIGHT LANE IS FOR OVER TAKING VEHICLES ONLY". I realise concentration is not your forte, but can you please just at least read the signs that are there for the single purpose of guiding the fuckwits who don't know the road rules as well as say, someone with a license should! What's that, you DO have a license? WELL YOU DIDN'T FUCKING EARN IT BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ABOUT DRIVING! Road rage is an almighty beast and having the stupidity to do 50KPH in the right hand lane will only enrage other drivers behind you following such rules accordingly. Over takers don't want to stick up your ass in the left hand lane, so don't get in their way in the right hand lane, it is simple etiquette. Once again you're too stupid to grasp etiquette or, you know, OTHER THINGS THAT EXIST AROUND YOU.
-On that note, Old Man Withers from the Amusement Park, if you pull out of the left lane into the right lane again when you see me coming DOING THE SPEED LIMIT and then simply refuse to assist in traffic flow by not speeding up to the speed limit, well, I don't care how old you are. I will pull you out of your car at the next red light, put your head through your fucking window and remind you to process some thought and consideration before enacting your stupidity. Determine the speed I'm doing before pulling out, it's not hard, then consider, "Are my actions going to slow countless workers down on a road that has perfect traffic flow right now? Should I remember that we're not all fucking retired and just meandering around in our BA Falcon with no place to fucking go?". I can guarantee right now that if you had asked yourself these questions and taken the time to think you would have come up with the answer YES!
Oh, also, being elderly is not an excuse. If you can't perform the considerate task I just described, then you're simply too fucking old to drive and I'd expect anyone one younger than me when I'm at that age to tell me the same if I was driving like Miss Daisy before Morgan Freeman started chauffeuring her around the place. *bites into old man skull*
-Impatience is an ugly fucking thing. Hey I know I have A LOT of it. But one thing I don't do is pull up to a turning lane, realise it's a long line up as everybody is turning, pull out of it and speed past all the patient people waiting and then expect to be let back into the turning lane as the turn approaches. Expecting such a thing is complete arrogance and makes me feel sick. You are a low form of being if this is what you consider acceptable. It's selfish, impatient, arrogant and just generally low down. Yeah sure, I've been waiting here LONGER than you, but I'm happy for you to just come up now and cut in with a simple wave as if to justify one of the rudest fucking things a piece of shit like yourself has ever done.
Oh and to add to this topic, since when is it legal to drive down the opposite side of the road to get to a turning lane? Now THESE people need to be fed bullshit (when they're not busy speaking it), hung from a tree and set on fire. This way they taste the very thing they shovel at us every day when they're driving, right as they die. You are not only crossing an UNBROKEN line (unbroken so that people who follow the law see it and DON'T DRIVE ONTO THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ROAD) but you are literally taking your chances at driving into oncoming traffic, just to get to a fucking turning lane quicker so you can wait at some fucking traffic lights!? If that isn't an example of pure insanity, reckless endangerment and breaking the law, well then I don't know what the fuck is!? I've seen some people drive down the opposite lane for about 20 to 40 metres!! How do they know if the lights are going to change, how do they know what's coming, they don't! But like a fucking sheep crossing a road, they do it anyway because there's NO THOUGHT involved! Just ME, ME, ME! The most ironic thing is seeing people do it with a "BABY ON BOARD" sign in the back window. Oh, so we should be careful of your car because there's a baby on board, but it's okay for you to drive down the opposite side of the road, taking your chances with oncoming traffic, because you're running late. Hmmm... why should I be surprised; bad parenting AND bad driving? It explains a lot, both examples of people who have NO FUCKING BRAINS!
-What exactly do you think sticking right up my ass (mind you I'm ALSO in the left lane and now we have a speeder who is doing the opposite to my previous slow person in over taking lane argument) is going to achieve? Here's what it's going to achieve, I'm going to become extremely annoyed and drive slower. Just so you can yell, spit, vomit and chomp at the bit a little more. Yes, when you stick up my ass, it makes me want you to have a stroke! So you can enjoy that while I DO THE SPEED LIMIT in the left lane. Want to over take cunt? Get to the right!
If you're in the right lane and a bus is in the left lane and stops at one of it's many appointed pick up locations, why the fuck are you stopping? Why the fuck must you be such a small minded fragile dimwit that when a larger vehicle next to or close to you stops at it's legal drop off point that you immediately panic and slow down. It's not fucking road blocking the highway, it's doing its one intended purpose of picking up / dropping off strangers and transporting them to locations scattered around the land. *slaps anyone who stops for a bus in the next lane in the back of the head* Stop being so fucking scared! Pay less attention to the scare campaigns and try to fire up that little noodle in your skull and think common sense and experience. What exactly do you think is going to happen if you don't slow down drastically or stop when the bus does? Nothing different to when you do slow down and stop, except the traffic behind you doesn't want to ram you off the road! This is mostly an Adelaide issue because both our public transport system and road infrastructure is non-existent and was created in another decade. Not to mention our high dosage of lead affected residents who don't have any independent though beyond "must shop for this".
I understand sometimes you have to stop or slow down because some fuck head is in the left lane right behind the bus, knowing full well it will need to stop and chooses to force itself into the right lane at the last minute. Of course you have to stop or you'll collide with this pushy bastard, causing unnecessary communication with a stranger and perhaps an eventual altercation of conflict. This is wrong of the person to cut in and we should all rest assured that this person will one day die being such a pushy piece of ass cake, quite obviously from not realising that being pushy in person means you're an asshole, being pushy in a car means at any moment you could be trapped inside a large scale replica of a screwed up ball of tin foil. Naturally at this point the arrogant bastard would be frightened at the fact they don't know where the car's steel ends and their flesh starts. Well shit, that's what you get.
-Women drivers... oh how I have waited for this part. Now I don't dislike all women drivers, just women drivers is a generalised term. So if you're reading this and you're a woman who drives well, you should be able to recognise your own good driving skill and be so filled with confidence by it that you feel no shame or sense of attack from this writing. If you bark up or feel offended or insulted, that means you truly are a shit driver, because deep down you know you've not only failed me, but yourself and rest of the world.
Anyway, my main problem is being told how fantastic women are at multi-tasking! Not to mention how amazing they are behind the wheel of a vehicle. Now let me dive deeper into this steaming bubbling pot of bullshit just waiting to be spilt all over the floor.
Many women drivers are shit drivers for the fact that they THINK they are good at multi-tasking! They have so deeply buried into their mind and into their subconscious from birth that their multi-tasking skills are superior to all, that they really think they are universally the gods of multi-tasking in all areas! So this is why women seem to do everything else in their cars BUT drive.
Here's a list of things I've seen with my own eyes:
Applying makeup in rear vision mirror
(That's meant for seeing behind you)
Talking on their mobile phones
(The fucking phone has voicemail for a reason. Remember your voicemail? Remember you spent hours searching for just that right one that represented your unique personality on some expensive mobile phone hotline / website.)
SMSing on their mobile phones
(If you don't text back you never KNOW what could happen!)
Rummaging through the depths of their bottomless pit handbag.
(You know in Star Wars IV A New Hope where Luke, Han & co. fall into that pit of junk and nearly get crushed - that's the inside of a handbag!)
The apparent necessary use of hand movements to truly relay the topic of the conversation to their female passenger.
(Ears are for hearing, hands are for sign language.)
This is similar to the last point. Getting caught up in intense conversation with female passenger, thus losing concentration.
(Female conversation - an unstoppable force of nature.)
SPEEDING.
(So many of you do it... don't give me that shit!)
NO INDICATOR.
(This one's popular with the ladies.)
Cutting in front of traffic / not giving way.
(GET OUT OF MY WAY - I'M INDEPENDENT!)
Cutting into waiting lines for a turning lane.
(GET OUT OF MY WAY - I'M BUSY & INDEPENDENT!)
Cutting across 3 lanes of traffic, sometimes without indication.
(GET OUT OF MY WAY - I'M BUSY, INDEPENDENT & INCONSIDERATE AND AM MOST PROBABLY GOOD LOOKING! THEREFORE I DON'T NEED A PERSONALITY OR MANNERS!)
Naturally there's only one thing worse than bad women drivers and that's bad Asian women drivers in their 70s! Holy shit, that's like stuffing 10 of the biggest nuclear bombs with Anthrax and dropping them on all the major capital cities!
Alas, it's a shame that the earlier list had to be so long, because women are not dumb. They are the smarter of the species in many practical day to day parts of life. Where as men are not and lack basic everyday social smarts. But I will say we can all multi-task in our own areas and once again proving my favourite notion that we are all quite equal in our abilities whether we are male or female. Hey I tell you one thing where women EXCEL at multi-tasking - WHILE THEY SHOP! Shit man, you want to see a real life version of the Terminator you go shop with a woman. Sometimes I swear I see a red glow in their pupils.
Anyways, that's my driving rant over. I may add to this from time to time as other occurrences and habits piss me off and rest assured I'll let you know - but this will do for now.
Fuck you very much, Adelaide.
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