We're living in a modern time full of modern pieces of junk. Upon release of said junk it's worth thousands, and a decade later you're buying it from a Reject Shop for 20 bucks. As I get older I struggle to keep up with technology and it's increasingly speedy evolution. Not that I'm using a walking frame or getting hip replacements or anything, although it should be said I could certainly do with a hip replacement (surgery donations to its-just-a-joke-you-fuckfaces@thebludgeoner.com). I remember when I started collecting my VHS movies and really became quite satisfied with the size and ferocity of my assortment of movie goodness. Then suddenly I started to notice that weird "DVD" section over in the far corner of my local VIDEO store started growing. It started out as a shelf the size of the Anime selection shelf, then the same size as the Arthouse selection, then the HORROR! Before I knew it DVDs had acheived total video store domination while I was locked away in my room picking my nose and watching old school classics on VHS with my old school stereo sound.

One night I got drunk, acted on impulse, got out on bail then went and bought a DVD player on credit. The move from VHS to DVD was instantaneous improvement! The first movie I saw on DVD was Gladiator (yes I WAS behind the times - fuck off) and immediately the sound and image quality blew me away. I had upgraded from watching old VHS classics while picking my nose in my room to watching new release DVD films while masturbating in my room, because the sheer magnitude of DVD awesomeness was too much for me to take so consequently I started rubbing my own genitals.

Before I get too far into this rant, I should have it known when I was younger I was exposed to the DVD's ancient ancestor - the Laserdisc. In my opinion, the Laserdisc was a far superior medium. Why? Because it was basically a DVD the diametre of a record and the thickness of about 3 records, this meant you had nice big colourful artwork on the packaging, which incase you really need to be told, was the same as a record! It's a fucking heavy disc but it's worth it in my opinion.

I'm a big fan of movie covie artwork (pre-photoshop age). For proof of how awesome Laserdisc covers are, here is the cover of my Re-Animator Laserdisc:

It takes you back to a day when the artwork mattered just as much as the "definition" and the "whizzbang roflmao zomg lol" special features. Although Laserdisc DID have special features. Mostly neccessities such as sub-titles (which is why they were popular with Anime/Manga/Chinatown Video films), commentary tracks and uncut versions of movies. They didn't have the compression technology back then to fit much more onto the disc, even with it's size. Alas, the Laserdisc was about 2 decades ahead of it's time which made it ridiculously expensive and unattainable to the mainstream consumer masses. It is now a dead technology, well worth the price online to collect those fellas now though. So get into it ya cunts.

Apologies for that history lesson. I do try to limit all educational content on this site as much as possible. This is mostly so I receive more satisfaction from wasting time in your precious dwindling life with you gaining almost NO benefit whatsoever. Back to the rant.

I was saying, the change from VHS to DVD was amazing. Over time I got all the cool shit that suits such a grand technology. The full DTS/5.1 capable surround sound system, the big screen plasma TV and let's not forget the lazy fuck recliner! I put alot of passion and money into rebuilding my collection of movies in the digital format. I have over 800 DVDs now. No small feat for a mere mortal working full time on an honest wage and of course there's alot of work to go still. But before I could even reach the wonderful one thousand mark an enemy appeared on the horizon.

With the release of the Playstation 3 (Booo! Fuck you! Xbox is king! If my Xbox 360 wasn't in pieces from trying to repair it myself after it broke down for the third time I'd easily make it kick someone else's PS3's ass!) came mainstream access to Blu Ray technology. Thus the next evolutionary step in technology was born! Of course Blu Ray had been around for some time before this but was about as popular as a CD player when they cost hundreds of dollars in the mid-late 80s (Mr. Joe 80s proclaims, "What's this CD business!? No thank you, I'll stick with my cassette playing walkman!"). But with the PS3 came a more affordable Blu Ray player packaged with a multimedia console. Blu Ray discs profess to having numerous advantages over the humble DVD. Blu-ray has a larger recording capacity of 27 gigs (13 hours of standard definition TV / two to three hours of HDTV) over DVD which is limited to 4.7 gigs, recordable with DVD+RW/DVD-RW. Basically, this means the Blu Ray can have more shit jammed onto it, can enable higher compression of image and it also means the Blu Ray movies can have a stupid little bar of blue at the top of every one of their covers so people can scream "OH MY FUCKING GOD! *grabs case desperately with both hands and stares down at it while hyperventilating with jaw agape* THIS IS A FUCKING BLU RAY MOVIE!!". *Refer below for a hand drawn re-enactment of this situation for those who are imagination handicapped* Basically, besides clearer image (which we'll get to in a second) Blu Ray and DVD have very little difference.

Blu Ray's "advantage" over DVD:

1. Bigger memory for more recording space and more information to be stored on the disc.
2. Bigger memory for higher image compression resulting in a better image.
3. Bigger memory for more advanced audio technologies enabling such things as Hi-Def surround sound.
4. Bigger memory so the disc will have more special features on it.

Here is some analysis of these "advantages":

1. If you really need to record 27 gigs of shit onto a Blu Ray you're either Francis Ford Coppola filming "Apocalypse Now II - Colonel Kurtz Goes Back to College!" *Cue soundtrack: I Feel Good - James Brown) or you've got way too much fucking time on your hands to be putting shit onto discs! Buy a fucking external hard drive you cunt, I command thee!
2. There are some wankers out there that would have you believe bigger is always better. So one day when you go see "Terminator 9 - This Time It's REALLY Shit" you'll literally be in the middle of a post-apocalyptic war fearful whether this is truly the end of your life or not. I'm sorry, but if watching a DVD on a large plasma screen with high def cables isn't clear enough for you, stop watching TV, get some glasses and start turning some lights on when you read a fucking book, because your eyes are obviously fucked. Here's some DVD vs. Blu Ray image examples I found online:

So visually it comes down to this. Blu Ray is like %0.10234752 clearer. I don't give a fuck about scientific figures and measurements that PROVES how MUCH clearer it is. When I'm seeing it with my own eyes, it's not enough to make me go, "Fuck! I have to get a Blu Ray player and start my collection again". It's not VHS to DVD comparison. It's just a tiny pathetic difference for tiny pathetic people.
3. Hi-definition surround sound!? Doesn't that just sound retarded? I used my 5.1 DTS surround sound all the time and I tell you when it's up loud I'm not going to give a fuck if it's HD/7.1 or 5.1 because it blows you the fuck away! Shit, anything crisper or louder and I'll be replacing my windows every night! So fuck you Blu Ray, I don't need your HD or 7.1. Actually - why don't you take the other 2 channels and stick them up your digital ass (yes, I'm aware discs don't have asses, unless you're warped mind has already concluded that the closest thing to a disc's ass is the hole in the middle of the disc).
4. Why is the world full of so many assholes!? Only fucking DVD reviewers and movie obsessed psychos sit there and watch every single dingle bojingle nook and cranny special feature on a DVD. Why the fuck do we need more? Because when you're buying it, it's like, "WOAH DUDE! THIS TRANSFORMERS BLU RAY HAS A MAKING OF THE MAKING OF! WOAH! AND A BREAK DOWN OF LIKE... THE STUFF! WE COULD TOTALLY SMOKE WEED AND WATCH ALL THESE SPECIAL FEATURES!". But come on, once you've watched the movie generally this excitement has worn off and you watch the bloopers reel and some deleted scenes. I will personally admit sometimes (depending on how much I appreciate the film, it's cast/crew and the director) I watch more than that, eg. director commentaries and some interviews. But mostly, NO, I don't watch all special features (because I have a full time job and too many fucking hobbies) which means neither do you because what I say goes.

Anyway, in closing, Blu Ray is a suitable movie viewing medium for wankers, trend whores, obsessed movie psychos and the unemployed. Why? Because only wankers care about the intense details of the technology advantages. Only trend whores would be the type of dumb shit who immediately clings to a trend and parades it like they're the only fucker who bought it (just like their clothes collection which they throw out and replace quarterly - wow that's integrity and a real sense of knowing who they are on the inside). Obsessed movie psychos are the most likely candidates to spend their whole life going through DVD/BLU RAY menus with a remote control driven fine tooth comb searching out every hidden fucking easter egg and special feature option. THE MOVIE'S OVER YOU FUCKS! IT'S DONE! THERE'S NOTHING LEFT! NO MORE! DEAL WITH IT! Finally, the unemployed are the only ones who have nothing better to do than get up early Thursday mornings for the first day of catalogue specials (but naturally they could never get up this early for work) to buy cheap Blu Ray movies (because they are normally way too expensive) and then spend the rest of the day watching every second of the film and every second of special feature.

It's unnecessary and until they bring out a movie format where I'm virtually IN the movie, eg. the Brainscan game Edward Furlong plays in the awesome horror film "BRAINSCAN", then I'm not fucking interested in moving away from my beloved DVD!