WHAT THE FUCK
IS GOING ON WITH THE WORLD!? PART II |
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Oh man... the world is a hilarious place. Every day humans slowly transform a little bit more into the alien species known as Steven Seagel. We're all becoming total jerks.
(Thebludgeoner.com would like to thank news.ninemsn.com.au for not only entertaining
it's webmaster with it's fear mongering and fictional pieces, but also for keeping us
filled in and in plentiful supply of crazy news throughout the world for we simple
folk to analyse.)
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Apple unveils mini, speaking iPod:
"Apple has unveiled a new version of its iconic iPod, calling it "the world's smallest music player"
OMFG EVERYONE - APPLE HAS UNVEILED A NEW VERSION OF AN iPOD!!! QUICK - GO FUCKING BUY IT!! THIS ONE IS SMALLER AND ACTUALLY
SPEAKS TO YOU! IT ONLY COSTS $122 (AUS) SO WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR!?
This is incredible! Just what the world needed! Just what I, as an "individual" needed! A product, that was small enough in the
first fucking place, becoming yet even smaller. Because I NEEDED my troublesome and overly large iPod to BE smaller! I was tired
of my original iPod because my arms were becoming sore from lugging it around all day. Then I progressed onto the smaller iPod-nano
and still found my hand becoming sore from carrying it... on top of the abundant masturbation. But NOW Apple has done us all a HUGE
favour and made the Apple iPod EVEN SMALLER! Awesome! Now I can spend fucking hours looking for it down behind the couch cushions, at
the bottom of my bag, at the bottom of my pocket or wherever else an iPod wanker carries their iPod!
But that's not all folks. THIS TIME your iPod can speak to you! *smacks jaw* It speaks in FOURTEEN different languages (so sucks to
be living in the countries they DIDN'T cater for - too bad - they're Apple and YOU'RE not) and tells you the name of each track
you're listening to. So this either means, before or during the start of each track, some type of voice will sing out and say
"CRAPOLLA - KANYE WEST". This is a bad idea for two reasons, if this happens in your earphone, it's going to be annoying at the
start of each track or interrupting the song. If this happens externally out of the iPod unit, it's going to annoy everyone else
surrounding you who also occupy the same vessel of chosen public transport type. OTHER PEOPLE - yes indeed.
Bludge proclaims now - people who own iPods are fucking sheep and deserve death. You are prone to impulse shopping after sitting
through any type of commercial and probably have one of the scariest minds in the world! The dark, desperate, alone mind set of
somebody willing to buy anything for mainstream acceptance. It's okay, the Bludge is here... and is he willing to assure you, the
world does hate you. No matter how many trendy things you own.
Holy shiz, thank god for Apple. Always on the pioneering end of technology.
**NOTE: The Bludgeoner would just like to set the record straight, he has never ever and never will own any type of Apple hardware,
software or trend merchandise. No matter how many fucking i's you stick in front of it, it's a refusal of ownership. There are plenty
of better MP3 players out there, if I choose to buy a new one, considering I don't use the current, which I was given, which was
bought in China, 5 fucking years ago! 512MB memory capacity - jealous much? hehe
Short-legged pony costs taxpayers $17,000:
"A short-legged Shetland pony is so small that passers-by have been repeatedly calling authorities thinking the animal
is stuck knee-deep in mud."
SEVENTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS!?!
This cute little pony has cost these people 17,000 dollars!?! THIS IS A FUCKING OUTRAGE!
That such a stupid story lacking of any importance is in the headlines.
Housing shortfall prices to skyrocket:
"The federal opposition says housing shortages in the near future are likely to be far higher than predicted in a new report."
So er, what was it you said a few years ago Peter Costello? I believe it was along the lines of "have one for mum, one for dad, and
one for your country". Well done Pete, you double chinned, smug mother fucker. You may have been smiling when you made that announcement,
but you sir, have a dog's ass for a face. The next person who tells me the Liberal Government were excellent is going to receive
a meat tendoriser to the fucking teeth. Thanks to stupidity like the baby bonus our population grows in the face of an imminent
housing crisis. To be surprised by this story is to be a cunt.
HIV could be non-fatal : scientist:
"HIV could adapt so that it is no longer a life-threatening virus, a leading scientist says."
Yeah let's just wait for this extremely fatal disease to adapt and become non-fatal! That's it people! Throw away your prophylactics! We won't be needing them anymore! WOOHOO!
Psssht, what a bunch of crap. Here's my headline in reply to this article:
The scientist who claims HIV could be
non-fatal is a full of shit limelight chaser : me.
Women drinking to excess could be a 'turn-off':
"Young women who think drinking to excess makes them more sexually attractive to men are mistaken, a new international study shows."
*Turns on bullhorn and is greeted by loud radio squelching noise*... IF YOU THINK DRINKING TO EXCESS IS A TURN ON TO ANYONE - YOU ARE AN IDIOT - I REPEAT - YOU ARE AN IDIOT!
Drinking excessively to be attractive is like dousing yourself in petrol to not be flammable - it's the opposite of what you should
be doing! Why is this a study and not common knowledge? This goes back to my last weekly news review rant of who the fuck is studying
such stupifying topics that should technically be common knowledge or NEED NOT BE KNOWN!
People are dying of fucking cancer and other diseases and we have an organisation studying "are women more or less attractive to
men while drunk"? Who fucking cares! If I'm drinking I'm too busy looking down at my beautiful and precious drink to be caring about
any OTHER PEOPLE anyway!
Social networking site targets babies:
"Facebook may play a vital part in the social lives of teenagers and adults — but social networking sites for babies are now sweeping the Internet."
Now there's a great idea (says the sleazey piece of shit -site founder Colleen Geske - who would probably sell a little girl for money if it was legal), let's make a social
networking site just for babies and their mothers to gloat over their babies! *serving of death to you, sir*
Yeah, it's just a simple social networking set up for mother's to chat baby shiz over. Oh and don't forget it has educational value
for the babies too. Yeah there's no dangers that will occur via such a disturbing idea. There wont be mothers foaming at the mouthes
and arguing with each other over how beautiful there baby is. Competetive photo swaps, forum wars, spam, AUUUURRRGHHH! The world
could collapse. But seriously, aren't toddler beauty pageants bad enough? Why this?
Yep it's a great idea alright. Let's introduce the Internet to babies from day one. That way they don't need to become active little
crazy children before hitting the obsese fat lazy shit stage. They can just go straight to that and keep out of the parents hair! Wow,
that IS a great idea. Let's introduce the laziness creating world wide web to children from step one so they know how much easier
it is to communicate irresponsibly VIA text transfer than it is to actually confront real people. Wow, what a society it is going to
be one day.
But it's all for a good cause - lining the pockets of Colleen Geske. Hey whatever brings the bread home right Colleen? Nevermind
that you are systematically tearing apart the social fabric of our "civilisation" by introducing said technologies to a living being.
When the only thing they need to be introduced to is the fucking ABCs, learning how to not shit their pants, reading and playing
in the fucking yard while they grow.
Which leads me to the next article...
Lettuce-up-nose Subway worker avoids jail:
"A Subway employee in England has narrowly avoided a jail sentence after footage of him stuffing lettuce up his nose was posted online."
This guy, Richard Benjamin Shannon, is what you're
creating when you introduce things like the internet,
social networking and irresponsible, inconsequential
forms of communication to a child at a young age.
Nice face, buddy!
Yay for the world! :)
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Each day films like Naked Lunch (directed by the excellent David Cronenburg) seem to make more
sense as reality warps further and further into a complete oddity. It saddens me, but what the fuck
can ya do but simply reflect and write.
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