Loved ones aside, the title of this rant could not define the people and city of Adelaide more correctly. I've lived in Adelaide since I was born (besides a glorious year and a half I spent living in Melbourne, well Ferntree Gully to be more precise) and I think I've finally had enough.
I laugh at how protective and angry we the people of South Australia become when the premier of Victoria calls South Australia and its capitol, Adelaide, a backwater town. Why are we angry about it? He's correct! It's a tiny little shit hole of a town run by a council and a government that is willing to stop a great idea like a further tram line extension just for the sake of not ripping down some trees. They're TREES! Adelaide has ENOUGH of them and guess what? You could always plant some NEW TREES! :O
Nope, let's just not worry about it. All the old people might come out with their pitchforks and their gramophones carried on their shoulders, pounding old classic hits. There are too many old people in Adelaide and I say instead of culling sharks we cull the old people by feeding them to the sharks. Not all the old people, naturally, just the annoying asshole old people who really do nothing else but complain about the city going through too much change.
Change is exactly what fucking Adelaide needs. Our biggest asset is a town 1 and a half hours out of the city, the Barossa Valley. Popular for its wine, food and beautiful views, it's something to be proud of, but it's not enough. Sure, it's great for people who can drink, people who like cheese and people who want to go on a picnic. But where's the fun things to do? Where's some kind of tourist attraction like a theme park? Where are the good cinemas? We have THREE Hoyts cinemas in the whole state. That's fucking pathetic!
^^ Sure, it's beautiful, but it can also be FUCKING BORING!
We have kids running around in gangs and getting bored because there's nothing for them to fucking do in this state (not to mention there being so many broke ass towns in South Australia with your stereotypical family of bums, run by parents who have no fucking parenting skills whatsoever) and there's no fun to be had.
Adelaide's biggest city attraction is either a fucking small statue, the Colonel Light Statue (although I do respect its origins), a bunch of churches (because NO OTHER CITY HAS THEM, RIGHT?) and two fucking mirrored balls stacked on top of each other. Read it, process it and then tell me how pathetic that sounds. That IS a backwater city! Fuck Adelaide.
^^ Take in all the majestic insanity that is, the malls balls! Try to
contain your excitement, please, it IS an Adelaide landmark after all.
You ask any mother fucker in Australia and they'll say Adelaide is the worst for driving. You know why? Because our town is such a little backwater town that people drive in it deservedly so. They dart out in front of traffic, don't use indicators, run red lights, speed and just basically do whatever the fuck they want. I call it "SA-Great-Rabbit-In-The-Headlights" syndrome. South Australians, for instance, dart out in front of oncoming traffic, knowing full well the safe thing to do is give way, and then just sort of "wait" for the results, eg. "Oh fuck it, I'll pull out anyway and just hope somebody slows down for me or hope I don't get killed in a collision of hot twisted metal and FLAMMABLE LIQUIDS". So they pull out, stare at a near accident happening with wide eyed "rabbit-in-the-headlights" expressions on their faces and basically drive off not giving a fuck because they're most probably thinking "I NEED to get to BIG W at the Plaza right now! There's an 8 dollar DVD sale on and I want to get the first copy of Deuce Bigelow - European Gigolo! Oh man, I'm such an awesome DVD collector, because I don't work I can get to the opening of the sales and buy any piece of shit movie I THINK is good, like Deuce Bigelow, 10,000 B.C, Meet the Spartans and other Hollywood bile, before the other fools who are off working right now to pay my way through life! GET OUT OF MY WAY TRAFFIC!".
Now I'm not defending any of these scumbags. But I will say one thing that may come across as a defence, so remember - not defending scum! Adelaide's roads do us no justice, our total road infrastructure is a complete fucking embarrassment. We have three main roads that go from the north to the south. No, they're not highways or freeways, they're main roads. We have Main North Road, North East Road and South Road (all very well named mind you) and at some point or another they all become 6 lane roads (3 in both directions) but they are also at some times 4 lane roads. They're terribly beaten down and over used with patch jobs here and there. They're congested, built up, over-used roads, all because we have no options. I understand highways and freeways are congested too. But it's what they're for, getting from the North to the South for instance, while all other suburbanites who are just getting from A to B take the normal standard roads. But in Adelaide it's all totally congested because we only have roads. Oh sorry we have two freeways, they’re both fucking useless and both take you from really far away places to just far away places, eg. From far South to the South. They don’t take you from one useful far away location to another useful far away location. In fact the South Eastern Express Way only takes you in ONE direction. Wow, that's fucking useful. Another stupid, confusing & pointless ADELAIDE idea! I’m pretty sure Minda and the Phoenix foundation are in charge of a lot more than what they say they are!
^^ Take note of the fantastic taping methods. I can already imagine
some fat lug in charge of roads repairs who looks like Chief Wiggum
from the Simpsons applauding the council workers with the line
"that's good work boys!".
Naturally, our government handles such a crisis by putting it's head in the sand and holding an arts festival here! Awesome! HEY AUSTRALIA! COME VISIT US! WE'RE A GREAT PLACE TO COME TO FOR SOME FUN! Which you'll be needing lots of because you'll be so fucking STRESSED from the drive to your place of accommodation that you'll need a dozen drinks at least to numb the pain from tearing all of the hair out of your fucking head!
I also wouldn't suggest flying here because the main access road out of the airport and into town, Sir Donald Bradman Drive, is a fucking disgrace! Man, I can only imagine people from Melbourne seeing it for the first time and immediately thinking, "My god, the stories are true! This place IS a small little shit hole!". I only say this because as you leave the Airport in Melbourne you're greeted by beautiful artistic structures accompanying a fresh (no patches, no bumps) bitumen highway. As a matter of fact there are multiple highways that break out into many different turns and paths and other... HIGHWAYS! Everything is exciting and it seems as though the powers that be really want to impress you. Finally we hit the outskirts of the city and you're gob smacked to see more beautiful infrastructure and buildings, tight, fast and accurate driving and almost no fucking traffic lights all along the highways!
Then they come from that to sleepy old musty Adelaide where first thing they see leaving the Airport is a large IKEA warehouse (how odd, a large retail warehouse in South Australia) and then we hit Sir Donald Bradman Drive. Old fucking Don would be rolling in his grave to think this is HIS road. Bumpy patched up road, traffic lights every 30 seconds or so (remembering this road is shared with all surrounding suburbs), pub, retail store, pub, retail store, fast food outlet, houses, pub. People with shit for brains driving, no indicators, confusion, MADNESS! AURGH!
Then naturally our city has stopped growing as we're all apparently too concerned with ripping out trees and the noise of the city getting louder. So here we have totally shocking first impressions of our city which should be our fucking pride. I mean fucking WAKE UP ADELAIDE. The city’s main shopping district almost nearly consists of ONLY ONE fucking stretch of fucking road! That is CRAZY!
Hey, maybe you're thinking, roads are roads dude, some just aren't up to scratch. Maybe you're thinking if I have an accident it's all cool, there will always be a hospital nearby. Nope, yet again Adelaide has failed to live up to todays standards of basic necessity. Adelaide has the sort of government which chooses to sell the only hospital within a local area for all Northern suburbanites (the hospital I was born in mind you, would you privatise the pearly gates of Heaven where god was created and exists? (yeah right ha ha ha ha)) to have their babies or have their illnesses ailed, etc. Adelaide has the sort of government that instead of building onto or doing a total workover of a central to the city, capable existing hospital, they build a new one, further way, for billions of dollars. Opting to make this a central hospital (which isn't) and to close down the existing hospital. Hey, that's clever! Sometimes I'm definitely sure that I could run things better. Adelaide truly is shit.
Follow this link to see how much taking away the Lyell McEwin will affect every day people. I feel sorry for the poor saps who are living in places like Waterloo Corner who used to drive ten minutes to the Lyell Mcewin and will now have to drive four times that distance into Gawler, a much smaller hospital.
Then we have the man, the shiz bomb coolest of all fucking cool premieres, Mike (The Weasel) Rann. This wide headed, crater faced, ironed up nose, stinky, snob voiced, lazy, never to be seen until something good happens, son of a bitch needs to get the fuck out of my state. HE’S NOT DOING ANYTHING WITH IT – WHY IS HE IN POWER!? Put the cunt in charge of some type of art’s scheme if he loves art so much! What kind of a fucking moron premiere holds big festivals and events like the V8’s, when the state is in such a dismal state. Our roads infrastructure is overwhelmed by it’s usual load, what the fuck do you think will happen when you block off main intersections for festivals and such when there is no overpassing highway to help deal with the congestion. You know what happens, a fucking heart attack, Mike and Adelaide is on the verge.
I would love to bump into Mr. Rann one day when I’m extremely pissed so I could give you a few pointers on how to run the state a little better, even while I’m fucking blind drunk! Then after you are done speaking to me with your disgusting breathe and bullshit attitude, I would start pummelling your face with my drunken and enraged fists. Would you charge me and take me to court? Probably. Would I be convicted? Most likely. But would I be guilty!? Absolutely not sir, you would be. For standing by and letting a state slowly rot while you try to cover up how little you’re doing by organising arts festivals and attacking the supposed “BIKEY” issue. Bikey’s have never gotten to me or done anything wrong by me, but your crumbling roads and lacklustre infrastructure has.
Everytime I see your face on the news (naturally after SOMEONE ELSE within South Australia has done something well and you’re simply there to soak up the glory) I want to throw my remote at the screen and scream “BASTAAAAAAAAAAARD!”. I never seem to see your face when all the bad shit is going down on the news, but then something good and there you are. It’s like leaving a piece of cheese out for a mouse and there he comes, scuttling out of his dark shadowed hidey hole! How convenient, you look like a mouse too! Ho ho ho!
But really, I'm just being mean aren't I? Sure we have the V8's & the Fringe Festival every March. People come from not only other states but other countries to our sleepy little town and say it's a beautiful place. Naturally, these people aren't here every year all year. Getting driven to insanity by it's slow pace. But they do admit, it's a beautiful place. Awesome. Oh hey, I even forget about the Royal Adelaide Show. A wonderous time of overpriced shit merchandise in plastic bags that we can buy and lacklustre overpriced and undermaintained rides we could go on. It's a time of coming together, gangs that is, so they can make hits on enemies in a crowded area so nobody will know who did it. It really is a magical time for us where the traffic once again gets worse, because naturally, we have no capable infrastrucure.
^^ Yep, a Royal Adelaide Show ride. What a treat for the kids...
who lived in the 1980s. hehe
Oh hey, just a question. Does it ever piss you off how when there's a water crisis (which the Government knew about and did fuck all about for 2 decades) we the people are the target for the assing by not being able to use water we pay good money for? Yeah well in Adelaide they like to rub salt even further into the wounds by failing to repair or maintain their water mains. EVERY DAY (not an exaggeration) there is a burst water main creating traffic issues. EVERY DAY thousands upon thousands of litres of water flood out onto the road, into our stormwater system and out to the ocean. SA & United Water choose to sit around and wait for the water main to burst, because then something HAS to be done and traffic HAS to be held up for repairs. We wouldn't want to hold up traffic to PREVENT the waste of gigalitres of water! So next time you're told not to water your lawn, just remember, we in Adelaide, as people and as a state, WASTE (on top of what we use) thousands of litres of water everyday. Simply because the people we pay to maintain these water mains, fail to maintain them. Stinky - fucking - hell - hole.
^^ A burst water main flooding the streets as shown are regular!
Remember though - the government says that the drought is
YOUR FAULT!
No really, if I ever move outside of Adelaide (which I NEED to do) I will return again some day. That will be the day I decide to die, just so I can practice living in hell before spending an eternity there in the after-life. We have an evil leader who doesn't listen to his minions, rotting pathways leading to places of boredom, tediousness and horror, evil fucking demons filling the land (Adelaide people) and scorching temperatures.
So where the bloody hell am I? I'm in the backwater town shit hole Adelaide and I want fucking out.
Have a cry you Adelaide windbags, because that's all you'll ever be staying in this dying dusty town.
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